THANK YOU

This past week I have said "Thank You" to so many people. It all started last Friday with my area's potluck Holiday Party, it was decided to collect items for care packages to send to my hubby's squad. When I arrived in Burnsville, the amount of food, hygiene products and just fun items collected was overwhelming. I had no idea how I was going to get all of it home, let alone get it packed into boxes and sent overseas.

Over the weekend, I sorted the donations into groupings to get prepared for the PTO meeting I had on Tuesday where the women said they would assist me in putting the care packages together. Well Mother Nature had different plans for me and all evening events were cancelled and so it was left up to me to make a couple of calls and see if I could round up a few to help me. Alyssa and Monica arrived just as I thought there was going to be no one. We sat for three hours and packed up 35 care packages, 10 of which would be sent right away in time for the holidays. Each of those 10 packages were packed with specific items each soldier requested, along with some holiday surprises, a pine cone smelling of cinnamon and a tag stating the package was from SANTA! The other 25 packages will be spread out over the next couple of months.

After the first snow of the season overnight, I was again warmed by the showing of friendship when two gentlemen neighbors assisted me by shoveling my driveway so I would be able to get my car out of the drive and more importantly back up the driveway when I came back home.

Did I mention over the course of those 12 hours, my furnace went out and I went to bed with a home at 52 degrees and awoke to a home at 47 degrees. THANK YOU to the Centerpoint Energy man who came to my home at 8:05AM and had the furnace kickin' heat by 8:45AM. It is amazing how fast you come to appreciate how Laura Ingalls lived, there is no way I would have survived the first day!

Later on Wednesday evening, it was the 10th Annual Wear More Than You Can Eat Crab Dinner in honor of the friends who have been the foundation of John and my life. These are the friends who have been a part of our lives through all of the ups and downs, encouraged and celebrated with us over the past 12+ years. This year was more difficult since John was not able to spend it with us, but just having my friends surround me as they always have was amazing.

Thank you is not a strong enough word to say to all of those who have reached out to give just a wee bit more of themselves during the past six months I have traveled this little thing we call life. I have made it to the halfway point of our family's journey and while there are days where it seems easier to just throw in the towel, it is days like the ones I had this week that allow me to know I am not alone and I can keep taking steps down the road.

To all of you - THANK YOU

NORMALCY

You can only for so long look back at the accomplishments before the road ahead looks harder than it really seems. We have reached 5 months this weekend since John’s deployment began. In front of everyone, I rejoice in the accomplishment of getting this far, but in private, I am devastated at the road ahead that still seems so long and lonely.

My days begin with a daily struggle with all of my children, get out of bed, get ready for school, pack your backpack, head to the bus, not one thing is done in a timely manner and I struggle with the need to scream yet try and stay calm so my day starts off on the right foot.

My days end with a nightly struggle with all of my children, unpack your backpack, work on homework, get ready for dinner, play quietly, get ready for bed, go to bed, stay in bed.

This has gone on for months and the frustration for one day to be perfect has been increasing and my stress has gone to a point where I don't know how much longer I might be able to endure this type of daily routine.

I strive for routine, it is needed in a home with an ADHD child and an Asperger's child, but my attempts are ignored and the energy level is sinking.

No matter what, in public, the smile is on my face and no one will ever know the truth behind it. The anger of disrespect, the sadness of loneliness and the exhaustion of the day in and day out.
How do you explain to someone that after 5 months, nothing has changed and the control of a life you thought you had is just a dream?

I fear for my husband's life every day, a feeling that can be so overwhelming that the intense emotions overcome you and you just don't know how to move or breathe.

I just want my life to have some sort of resemblence of what it once was. I want to be the mom I was before this adventure began. I want to know my children still love me even though my stress is sometimes taken out on them in a screaming match. I want to know that my job will be okay if I just need to take a day or two to come to grips.

The silence in the house is too much to bear, I need conversation past bunnies and Bakugon, I need touch, more than the peck on the cheek from a five year old and a hug in the passing of an eight year old who doesn't want his friends to see.

I need normalcy, something that won't be there for another eight months.

A SIGN

I have been torn for many years about church and worship. I have never faltered in my belief in a supreme being, I just have not had the ambition to outwardly praise on a weekly basis.

My need to find church again has been fueled by my three children. All of whom have been baptized and the promise I made to make sure I at least give them the teachings and let them find and make their own path when it comes to their spiritual needs.

Over the past few years I have visited a few churches to try and find a connection with one where I might be able to start my journey over and begin my healing. Yesterday I received an "invitation" to a church in our neighborhood that meets at a school. The invite stated there would be a service and a dinner afterward. With the invite in my hand I told my kids we would be going to church in the morning, I was met with groans from all of them and I felt I needed to make it exciting to them, but realized I was doing it more for me.

This morning, I woke up early and got the kids breakfast and ready for the day. Service started at 10AM which was great for us, we headed out in time for me to grab a quick cup of coffee before heading over to the school. We were greeted at the door with smiles and many introduced themselves. I was handed a ticket that I would realize later was for a raffle during the dinner.

When I walked into the "sanctuary", I knew this would not be the service I grew up with, but was calmed as we got closer to the "pews". All of us sat down and the service began with music and lots of it. Upbeat with a band and so many really just enjoyed it and clapped, swayed and lifted their arms into the air. In the past, I used to giggle at congregations such as the one I was a part of this morning, but for whatever reason I felt comfortable. After 30 minutes of music and song, the children were asked to line up for Sunday School and were led out. All three of my kids, just headed with the rest without a glance over their shoulders as they had found friends from school.

For the next hour, I sat alone listening to the worship. This was not a typical service, it was something I had been looking for. A relationship from the Word to me, an analogy that I could understand. The sermon was not overpowering, but I could relate, something I hadn't been able to do at other visits to other churches.

At the end of the hour, the kids were back and we were heading to the dinner. Everyone was very friendly and offered to assist me as I tried to orchestrate 3 kids and myself through the line of food. After we had eaten, they had everyone get comfy as they started to draw tickets for prizes. Sarah had attained two more tickets from a friend's family who would not be staying, so we had three tickets that the kids hoped would bring us luck.

Tons of gift cards for gas, oil changes and groceries were given away, the most sought after was the unlimited ride wristbands to Nickelodeon Universe. Which do you think the kids were hoping for? Each time a number was read, their breaths would be inhaled and then let out with a sigh. At the last giveaway, the grand prize, the kids stated it wasn't fun because they weren't winning. My response to them was, this is not why we had come, not for gifts to take with us but for a new place to go and learn about God. It was at that moment I heard the number and realized it was the ticket being held by my son, the ticket I was handed when we walked in the door. We had won a stay at the Kalahari Resort at Wisconsin Dells, I was so surprised and my son made a the fastest beeline to the front of the room to grab the certificate.

After the thank yous for coming were said, the pastor came over to congratulate us and introduced himself. I thanked him for the gift and for a wonderful day that I was able to spend with my kids as well as just myself. I was given an hour to be able to reflect and make decisions about where I wanted to be.

On Wednesday night, my kids will be experiencing "Religion Class" like the rest of my girlfriend's children and on Sunday we will visit again. I think I have found the right fit for me and I can't wait to share it with John while we are relaxing at a Resort in a place we have talked about taking the kids to. Do you believe in signs?

AT PEACE

Tonight, I sit sipping on a cup of tea before going to bed and realize for the first time, in quite some time, I feel completely at peace. I think I am finally in a groove with the way life is supposed to be for now.

It has not come without bumps and bruises, but I think i have figured out the routine of what life has dealt me and I am getting it. Yeah, I have had to pull out the "female" card out of my back pocket and ask for help to figure out how to take the ceiling fan apart to get to the light bulb, to figure out how to winterize the house, to fix the furnace I think might have an issue heading into the winter months, but overall, I am maintaining our home.

I have survived the last two weeks with the rotation of three sick kids, juggling my job, after school activities, military extras and me time with very little stress and came out the other side unscathed.

This is a huge accomplishment, and for that, I am at peace.

SIGH OF RELIEF

Today is a sad day, though I breathe a sigh of relief. The 114th Transportation Company family lost a member over the weekend and with a heavy heart, I am grateful for my husbands safety. As I talked to him last week speak to me about the incident and to find out how close he was to it, my heart sank. It is times like this that make the true reality of this whole deployment come alive, the uncertainty, the unknown, and most of all the danger.

Every day my life goes on back here at home, life continues, school days move forward, the office looms ahead, sickness happens, and get togethers are abundant. For my husband, his life is in like a time continuum, his life is happening every day but it is separate from his family, he is in his own world only able to connect to his "real" life through a telephone line.

It is moments like today where respect is deepened for the men and women who risk their lives every day to allow me the freedom to write the words I am right now. My husband is among those fighting and putting his life on the line for someone who will never know his name, never know his life beyond the uniform, yet he does it for no recognition, he just does the job he believes in.

Tonight, as I send my thoughts and prayers to the family of the fallen hero of the 114th Transportation Co, I breathe a sigh of relief for the voice I heard at the other end of the phone this morning, for I was allowed one more day to say all the things I wanted to.

BEING TWO PARENTS AT ONCE

For the first time, I actually felt like I was finally playing both roles of parent today. It all began with leaving the kids with Nana while I went to see John through a teleconference in St. Paul. It was so great to be able to just see him, make sure he was okay, the things a voice can't tell you but the eyes can see. On my way home, I made a last minute (and boy do I mean last minute) RSVP to a birthday party for Colby.

Once home, Nana went her way and I packed the kids into the car to head to the store to purchase a birthday gift, but as you know, once you are in the store there are so many other things you can purchase and an hour later, we were back in the car on our way home. Did I mention on our way to Shakopee we watched as the cars piled up bumper to bumper going South on 169 due to the Renaissance Festival and the line went about 4 + miles. So of course, we had to avoid that way going home.

On our way, we stopped for lunch, got home, sat for only about 30 minutes, all the while getting ready for the birthday party. Finishing up laundry so Colby had a swimsuit to wear, wrap the gift, write on the card, pack the backpack and we were on our way.

Five minutes later we were back at the house and ready for round three. Max had soccer practice this afternoon, so as he watched the minutes tick by, asking several times when he could get ready, I collected my thoughts. In no time, it was back into the car and heading to the middle school fields for the practice.

An hour later we were back home, I swear at this point my neighbors had to have had their thoughts just flying as they watched me back out of my driveway every hour on the hour! I can only imagine! Now it was dinnertime, raced the clock making dinner so it was done by the time I had to go and get Colby from the birthday party. With 5 minutes to spare, I was, yet again back in the car to head about a mile to get Colby. And, 15 minutes was back at home!

Today would have been a great day to have a clone of myself, our house entrance had turned into a revolving door, I forgot if I had pulled into the garage or kept the car in the driveway, the engine never really cooled down, my neighbors must think I have lost my brain, but at the end of the day - all activities were attended with no hiccups and no tantrums. All is well at the Karline Household.

Being two parents at once is tough, but it is days like this that help you know it is possible and the days ahead will get easier!

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

Today is my hubby's birthday and I am not with him, he is halfway around the world protecting me and our children in the war against terrorism. This is not the first time he has sacrificed time away from his family and made his country his priority. It is a respect that is beyond any other that I have for this man. He is my hero!

I met him when I was 18 and we are now 14 years later and I have practically been with him half my life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

He keeps me grounded, when I am high strung, he is my relaxation. When I am frustrated, he is my humor. When I am stressed, he is my calm. When I am sad, he is my rock. When I am happy, he shares in my joy.

For the past few months I have not been with him on a daily basis and I have had many moments to reflect on our relationship. The times when we just know what the other is thinking, the times we pillow talk and whisper into the wee hours of the night, the looks from across the room and most of all, the unique way we hold each others hand.

I am so lucky to have found the one meant for me so early in my life and get to spend so much time with him.

From halfway around the world, Happy Birthday Honey. I love you, be safe and I will see you soon! TWICE!

THE HARDEST THING

Have you ever wondered how do you begin to start a conversation with someone you are not sure even wants to have one with you? I have been feeling that way for almost a month. I have gone through my head several conversation starters that still today just don't seem right.

Why should it be so difficult to call someone up and just say hi? Why? You don't want to sound like nothing happened, you don't want to sound like everything is okay when it still doesn't seem right.

I have been told that I want to pass on how I live my life to others and sometimes it comes across demanding in a way. My life is mine to live and for others it is their life to live, the only thing I can do is give advice when asked and opinion when needed, but never have I ever wanted anyone to live their life the way I live mine.

Over my lifetime, which is not many years, I have made many mistakes, have had to make many life changing decisions, had several accomplishments, yet I still believe I am learning every day about how life really is.

The one lesson I have learned over the years is that no matter what, you can never really regret anything you have done if you have learned from it and made changes in your life accordingly. If you have gotten yourself in trouble, acknowledge it, make the changes and sacrifices needed to start to right your path and move on. It is easier to say than to actually do, but know the hardest part is getting started and staying committed.

To the one person in my life struggling both emotionally and physically, be strong, stay strong and most of all feel the strength being sent to you from all who love you.

THIS MONTH IS A BLUR

Wow, has it really been over three weeks since my last blog! Life continues to move, like in the movies when the actor is standing still and everything around them is moving at a blur. That has been my life for the past month.

John is safe and calls as often as he can, sounding tired yet in a good mood. The calls are limited now and his true missions will begin - my thoughts are with him constantly.

The kids are antsy and I think they are just as ready for school as I am. Their brand new backpacks are hanging on their hooks, the homework bins are cleaned out and "SARAH" has been added to the last one, bus schedule arrived and Open House is this week. I am excited that all the kids are in school now, but as the day approaches and I get them all excited about it and tell everyone around me how elated I am, I can't help but wonder where the time has gone. Is this how it will be over the next 10 years as I watch Max move as lightening speed to graduation?!

For me, life is speeding up again, which is a good thing. The kids will start their school schedule which will include after school activities, Max is in night swim lessons twice a week with the other two on the waiting list. PTA begins in a week and I have decided to stay on as Secretary. Work is slowing down but it allows me to work on more organization and marketing now. The house needs to have attention at least once a week and FINALLY I have decided to do something for myself. I purchased P90X and started it on Tuesday, it is something that invigorates but reminds me of every body part I have. I hope it allows me to get more energy and feel better about myself.

Finally, my sister and her family came and went this month. Their visit didn't last long and I wished I had more time with her to have our sister chats, but maybe soon. I hope she knows how much I care about her and that I stand beside every decision she makes, but I will always be the big sister who will worry and care way too much.

Like I said, this month is a blur, so many things have been happening that I could write a novel rather than a blog. Hopefully I can get back into writing more and keeping everyone up to date.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL

Today, 11 years ago, I became a mom and it would change me, and make me the person I am today. For that, I will be forever grateful to a child, that for being a part of my life for such a brief moment, left a mark on my life that will never be forgotten.

Dear Chloe,

The reason for your short life was forever hidden from me and over the past 9 years I have slowly been shown the lessons you taught me.

You made me grow up so quickly and make decisions I thought I would never have to make in my life. The lesson, it has allowed me to know when emotion or mentality needs to lead my decisions. Sometimes your heart can't always be the loudest voice and it is going to be hard to hear the other voices over it, but if you listen hard enough, you will know what needs to be done.

You opened my eyes to a world that so few enter, yet so many judge. The lesson, teach the next generation it is okay to ask questions and inquire when something they see is new to them, rather than looking away and ignoring the "elephant in the room". Being different is not a disability, ignorance is disabling and we need to teach our children not to stare, point or snicker. We need to teach ourselves as parents it is okay for a child to ask questions and know why something is different, when it is explained then the "different" disappears and the person is left.

You showed me patience is truly a virtue. The lesson, take a deep breath prior to reacting when challenged so as not to jump to conclusions. Take that moment to absorb what is being said, process the true meaning, then respond.

You gave me a membership to a club of parents who didn't ask to join, but are grateful for the charter. The lesson, reach out and tell my story, let others know they are not alone and they will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally, you made me see the beauty in death and importance of today. The lesson, death is not to be feared, what should be feared is not living each day to the fullest. There should be no worries about tomorrow or next week, but worries about if you made enough memories today.

We have had many challenges over the past 11 years and if it wasn't for the lessons you have taught me, I don't think we would have been as successful when facing those trials and tribulations. In the 2 years, 4 months and 8 days I was blessed to have you in my life, you impacted me and continue to do so even today. Thank you for giving me the gift of being your mom!

Love,
Mommy

DATE NIGHT/DAY

I have spent the past hour preparing to talk to my husband. I am sure you are thinking, how do you prepare for a chat? Well, the difference from this tour of duty and the last one - WEB CAM! Tonight John is going to call me on Skype and we are going to chat.

We have chatted a couple of times so we are now getting used to the technology, but the downfall is that he can see me and since we are not blessed with seeing each other every day right now you take a few things for granted. The fact that you can't be seen over the phone is a big one. you can have crazy hair, no make up, pigging out and the other person has no clue. Not the case when you have a Web Cam, they can see what you are doing outside of the conversation, so now I am doing my hair, touching up my work makeup, changing my shirt, grabbing a bowl of snap peas with veggie dip and a bottle of iced tea and hunkering down for the intense wait for the video phone to ring!

What a change this is from 6 years ago - we didn't have this, we had instant messaging and just let our fingers do the talking. We went weeks without talking, now we can see each other and we are connecting a few times a week. The common thread in all of this, the anticipation for the "phone" to ring, the butterflies in the stomach, the heart racing, especially since I practically fell out of my chair on Saturday morning when his face popped up on the screen for the first time.

Now I must go and cross my fingers as I pray the military didn't change the game plan and plan a training session or briefing today for John. It is wake up time for him - he is 10 hours ahead of us. Wish me luck and pray I don't get stood up as I wait for date night/day to begin!

MALL OF AMERICA

Today I took all three kids out for a day of special time with Mommy. I had received an email about an event being put on by TIUFTT (Tee it Up for The Troops) and MOA to suport CHOMP (Children Heroes of Military Parents), Military Appreciation Day!

Since I had learned about it so late in the game I was not sure we would even be able to participate, especially since even the website did not even mention it. After several emails with a Board Member of TIUFTT, I was told to just come on out and we would be taken care of.

Armed with my "Surviving my 2nd Deployment" t-shirt and the kids in their "Wolfpack" tees, we got in the car and headed to the MOA, registration was at 8:30 and we were given unlimited ride passes to Nickelodeon Universe, free passes to a Movie and even some coupons for free popcorn. You could also get passes to the Mini Golf course that is at MOA, I chose not to since the kids are little and I thought it would take forever.

The park did not open until 10:30, so we headed out and walked around, grabbed some coffee at Caribou (Reindeer Drinks for the kids) and then went to the Theatre to get our tickets for the movie. We were able to get in two rides at the park prior to Ice Age 3D starting.

While we watched Ice Age with our 3D glasses on and eating our lunch that I had packed at home, the kids eyes glazed over as they watched in awe of the movie. Several giggles came from the kids, which just makes it that much better. By the end of the movie, they were ready to head back to the park for more rides.

Sarah rode on her first roller coaster and advised me that we are supposed to put our hands in the air and that it is okay to scream. She giggled the entire time, while her brother Colby looked like he was going to lose his lunch. Boy, it looks like he is taking after his daddy in the motion sickness arena.

Several rides, slowing pace and stomach relocation, it was time to head out. On our way out of the park, we grabbed a couple of cookies to end the day.

It was nice to be recognized as a family member and to have an event that would allow the kids to get out and have a good time. I met several women who stated they didn't know how I did it, they were dealing with their first deployment and having so many frustrations. to be surrounded by people who are going through what you are and not even having to say a word, just a nod as you walked by or a smile at the kids as I walked by with them in tow was enough. Probably being naive and the looks were of pity, but nonetheless, I will take it!

The kids had a wonderful time, Sarah is telling everyone about her roller coaster ride and the boys are talking about the funniest part of the movie, so I have to say it was a success. I would also just have to say that it will probably be a few months until I head to a crowded area with three children in tow!

Thank you TIUFTT and Mall of America!

BYE BYE USA

John left yesterday. He called the kids on Tuesday night before he went to the airport and talked to each one of them. Sarah was the most out of it and about a minute into the conversation with sleepy eyes, she asked Daddy if he wanted to talk to Mommy and without even waiting for the answer handed me the phone and laid down on her pillow and was out again.

The next time I heard from him was at about 7:30AM on Wednesday during a layover in Maine. max was excited to hear where Dad was, especially since he knew where it was on the map. From there John was on his way to Germany. I received a text message around 9:30 that said "bye bye US" and then I received another call at about 4:30 in the afternoon from Germany. I have never gotten an international call, so when the number showed up on my phone, it was unrecognizable. Germany is 7 hours ahead of us so it was already bedtime for everyone where he was. He was trying to catch cat naps as much as possible on the plane, but it still is tough, so he sounded quite tired from the day full of airports and small seats on a plane.

John had another two hour layover in Germany before heading to his final destination, at least for a couple of weeks. He will be in Kahzakstan (finally figured out how to spell it) for about two weeks for aclimation and training, from there he will move into Afghanistan for the rest of his tour of duty.

It is so different this time around, I am overall more calm about him being over there for some reason. We have been through this before and I am ready to take on the next year. I probably won't be talking to him for days at a time now. I will be turning off his cell phone today and will rely on the phone provided by the military and the infamous SKYPE.

I miss you and love you, stay safe and come home soon!

IRRITATION

Today was like any other work day. I started the day at 4:30AM with a cup of coffee, a shower, packing lunches, getting meds together, catching 5 minutes of the news, waking the kids, getting them dressed, packing backpacks, combing hair, putting on shoes, heading to the car, driving to daycare, unloading the car, signing in the kids and finally hitting the road for the 45 minute drive to my office. And to think, all of this was done by 6:30AM!

By 7:30 I was logged into my laptop and ready for the day. That was when the irritability started and I just could not kick it for the entire day.

The hardest part of my job is not being able to take the "mommy suit" off and still having to clean up, fix, etc after my co-workers. There are so many times that I have cleaned up coffee cups half full left behind, spilled water dripped from the water cooler, paper and brochure plastic wrap left on the ground and the cream of the crop - unjamming the copier several times a day.

I don't get why there are some of us who can break something and do nothing to attempt to fix or even state that it is broken and ask for assistance. It is not until I need to get something done and then I have to stop everything that I am doing to fix something that I was not involved in. I have always been told that I am a yes person and that I just do and you know, I take full responsibility for being that way.

I just wish others could be the same way, I parent three children at home and to know that day after day there are people I work with that have no consideration for those around you is very frustrating.

I could just be overly sensitive today since I know there are only 24 hours left until John actually leaves the US and heads to Afghanistan. The nightly calls are limited, very limited. I will get one more call tomorrow and then that is it until he is set up where he will be. I wonder if I have spent enough time with him, said enough words to him, listened to him to cover the time until I will talk with him again.

Life is too short for me to waste energy on irritation - my one and only goal over the next 12 months is to take life one day at time, prioritize my children into first place and make as many memories as I can. My days will be filled with "mommy" moments - it is who I am, I just do what needs to get done - that is how I get through all of the trials and tribulations of the life that surrounds me. It is called the Khaotic Karline household and I wouldn't know what to do if it was anything else - so no more irritation!

SURPRISE

Wow, it has been a week! As you all know, John was coming into town, but our knowledge of his arrival was limited. I kept crossing my fingers for the earlier the better, but as the minutes ticked by, my disappointment became more evident. I joked with co-workers that I would have to shave my legs in the morning in case he arrived during the work day and then shave again before I went to bed in case he slithered in during the wee hours of the night.

By Tuesday night, I was exhausted from watching the clock and the door, so I went to bed as usual but paused in front of our garage door and wondered if he would be coming soon. I shrugged my shoulders because I knew he had no keys to get in so he would have to come while I was awake, but I still wondered if I should unlock the door. I decided against it and went to bed. About 2 hours later at 1:30AM, the dogs were barking and the garage door was opening. A few moments later, I heard John's voice telling the dogs to be quiet. I jumped out of bed to open the door in my very comatose state and turned right around and crawled back in. Boy, I am sure it was not the welcome home he was expecting. As his voice penetrated my slumber and I became more aware of my surroundings, I realized it was him and awoke. As I did, I realized, I could have let a stranger into my home! LOL

Wednesday started off by surprising the kids with a wake up from Daddy and from there on we were literally off to the races. We spent the day together, we had lunch with John's parents and then picked up the kids and decided to rent a movie and eat pizza picnic style in our movie theatre.

Thursday was spent shopping for last minute things for John and then picking the kids up early again from day care. We spent the evening BBQ'ing and just having a family meal.

Friday was date night and John and I decided to go downtown for the night. We went to Hell's Kitchen for a drink, went to McCormicks and Schmick's for another drink and appetizer during Happy Hour, walked up and down Nicollet Mall and then eventually ended up at the restaurant we had reservations at. The Melting Pot is our favorite restaurant, we ate until we were about to explode and just talked into the night. The Melting Pot honors the military and offers a discount to its armed forces patrons, it was great to be able to spend the night talking and enjoying a wonderful meal.

We got home late and went straight to bed knowing John had to be on the road quite early the following morning. We woke the kids pretty early and got out of the house for a quick breakfast. By 7:30 in the morning John was on his way back to Indiana. He will be on his way out of the country by Tuesday.

It was a short visit, but we spent a ton of time together and the kids got their wrestling time in with Daddy, so it was definitely well spent in the eyes of the kids.

This was a great Surprise!

CLEANING HOUSE

Today I decided to actually be domesticated and take on the cleaning of the house. You see, I have been spoiled for the last few years, John always did the cleaning. He was off on Fridays so it made it easy for him to clean the house while the kids were at school. I would periodically help out on the weekends when we really wanted to scour, but other than that, I never really had to worry about it. . . .until now.

John is coming home sometime in the next 48 - 72 hours and I really don't want him walking into a house that is messy or dirty. I want him to know I can handle the simple things while he is gone and that I won't get stressed out over the small stuff.

It makes it easier when you have a son that is more than helpful, even though I caught him on several occassions trying to hide a sigh, he still obeyed my command and did what needed to be done. They have no idea that John is heading this way and I am glad for that. Sarah did ask if Daddy was coming home this week and Max asked if we would be able to call and talk to Daddy tomorrow, so it definitely is starting to hit them that he is gone for a longer than usual timeframe.

As for the cleaning, I will say, not very loudly though, that it was very relaxing to clean. From the vaccuuming and the back and forth motion to the circular motion of the scrubbing bubbles in the bathrooms, I was really not bothered by the raisin like fingertips and the smell of bleach (no matter how much lemon scent is used to mask it).

The kids and I vowed to take 10 minutes every night before going to bed and scanning the house for anything that might be out of place, that way, we won't have to clean so hard on the weekends. How many days do you think this logic will last? Probably the week and then we will be back to our chaos and will clean the tornado track every month.

I did realize though, I have a lot of stuff that has been in our home but never used or forgotten about. I have been thinking about having a garage sale and I think after this weekend, it is more than a thought. Even though I think I am just setting myself up for more cleaning, just so I can get rid of stuff.

I hope John comes home and can relax before the real game starts. We get 72 - 96 short hours with him and I can't wait for him to see that the house has not fallen apart, the kids are still alive (maybe barely) and I am still breathing (with the help of a great glass of Riesling).

It sure is amazing what a clean house can do to your stress level and really calm a person down! WHO KNEW!?

A MESSAGE TO THE GIRLZ

You may not know, but several years ago, my husband and I had a vision to bring comfort to children and their families while staying in the hospital. After spending our own amount of time in one with our first child, Chloe, we learned the importance of support from outside, whether it be from people we know or not at all, it was a great feeling knowing we were not alone. After Chloe's death, we decided to start a foundation called The Chloe T. Foundation, 'giving hugs with lots of love'. We donate stuffed animals to children who are hospitalized during the different holiday seasons. We have donated over 26,000 stuffed animals since 2000 and still going strong.

Through the past 8 years, we have grown to an organization that has its support, but is still lacking in something. We have loved and nurtured this foundation as much as we can and must depend now on outsiders to help us get to the next level.

We have an event coming up on August 8 at Wolfe Park in St. Louis Park and we are depending on two women who have so much passion and drive for what they do that it is overwhelming at times. Over the past two months, a vision of what my husband and I wanted to bring to the families in our community is coming together and it is a scary thing to not be a part of the planning, only being asked to be a guest and enjoy with my other children. It is especially hard when John is not here and I want to make sure the vision that was ultimately his to begin with continues on while he is not here. An event he has talked about for over five years is about to come to fruition and he is not even going to be here to enjoy it. It is very difficult right now as I am both excited yet nervous.

The event is one that will host families to come out and enjoy a day of making memories, Chloe's Carnival, has attempted many a time to come alive and many a time has died after the brainstorm session. I am so excited to be able to invite friends and family to this event and share in a day that reminds me so much of the last "memory maker" we had with Chloe. It is so important for families to make memories and enjoy life outside of the routine.

I look forward to what the event will bring, carnival games, face painting, laughter, eating too much, and finally listening to great music by Tim Mahoney at the end of the night.

I hope the women who came to us with all that passion know how much this means to me and trust that they understand the real foundation of where The Chloe T. Foundation truly stands on, the memory of Chloe, the root of my passion.

GIRLZ, I truly thank you!

UPCOMING SURPRISE VISIT

I found out a few days ago that John has made the decision to come home for his last pass before heading overseas. I had been planning to drive down to Indiana on my own and leave the kids with family, but John stated this - "I miss my kids", so he is coming home.

From what I hear, he has actually been planning it for awhile. He had called my boss to let him know about his plan and make sure it was okay for me to take a few days off. It is funny how you find out that your hubby is actually listening to you. The end of the month is a very busy time in the mortgage business, so for him to be conscience about it and make sure that any stresses I might have at the office will be taken care of so I can have fun with my family is so awesome.

John is giving me no details, I know he has no car with him and no money has left the checkbook for an airline ticket, so I have no idea how he is getting to Minnesota. Then once he is here, I have been told that I don't have to worry about picking him up. He won't even tell me when he is arriving, just that it is next week.

His only requests - keep the kids in day care so their routine is not interrupted and I am to take Thursday and Friday off!

I am so excited to see him, yet anxious and nervous at the same time. The past month has been very difficult for me and I don't want to have to start the clock all over again. I was told by my best friend not to think that way and to know that I have already done the hardest part and the rest is going to be easy. I know I just need to take a deep breath, enjoy every moment I get to spend with John and as a family.

So since I have no idea what day he is coming and only know from the FRG meeting I attended on Tuesday that he must report back to Camp Atterbury on July 25 by 10PM, how do I make plans? Do I try and cram everything in to those few days or just let John be in the driver's seat? If anyone knows me, they know the latter is going to be the hardest thing, I am the kind of person that has to have a plan and everything well orchestrated. This might actually be fun to have John planning everything and I just get to go along for the ride.

I haven't told the kids yet, they don't get to talk to Daddy very often because the only time he is able to call is late at night. This morning they spoke with him and I could tell Max really needed it, he even found the web cam that I was given as a gift and is excited to know that will help get to see Dad over the next year. I can't wait to see their faces when Daddy comes around the corner.

More details to follow about our upcoming surprise visit!

MY FIRST WORK IN PROGRESS

So, I started my "John is gone, let's find projects" again. This time, I don't think I am going to go as far as I did last time when I remodeled our entire kitchen from floor to ceiling - literally! I started small - LANDSCAPING! OK, so it wasn't as small as I thought it would be.

It all started when I picked up Max from his sleepover, we were already in the car and so what the heck, let's head to Minnesota Valley. So off we went, down 169 and pulled right in. I found the exact shrubs I wanted and started destroying their display trying to find the perfect trio of shrubs. It didn't take long before the expert showed up and assisted me in finding the rest of my perfect landscaping vision.

I chose three Dogwoods, 5 Baja Day Lilys and a second shrub thing for the end of the house. Did I mention I am not an outside kind of person and had no clue what I was getting into nor did I know how to design it once I had everything? So you can only imagine my surprise when I found out there was a choice in color for the Day Lilys I love so much, I have only seen yellow in the neighborhood, so my mind was ready for that color. But wait, here comes the list - there are several color choices and all of a sudden I was the expert, ready to make a very smart decision about what I wanted for my yard. So Baja was the color, Red with a Green throat and yes I had to ask what that meant. I am sure I will be talked about at the next staff meeting.

We headed home and by the time they were unloaded from my trunk, that was the next thing I was amazed with, they fit everything into my trunk! I had the bug and wanted to dig right in and get these plants in.

I had the three Dogwoods in the ground and my neighbor Meg stopped by. We chatted for awhile and headed to the backyard to find the kids and I was embarassed when her eyes landed on my "garden", I use this term very, very loosely, ask Meg! My tomato plants, green beans and a few surprise pumpkin vines were somewhere underneath some weeds. I had to confirm with Meg if indeed they were weeds because the trunks of them looked like small trees. She offered to come over and pull and as we continued to talk, we were entered the rough terrain of the Amazon jungle of the Karline house and came out the other end with two tomato plants, one green bean plant and four pumpkin vines. I think Meg was thoroughly entertained by the, "is this a weed" and her response "no, that's a tomato plant". Thanks Meg for not making me feel too ditzy!

I called it a day after that, my face couldn't get more red and I was hot! Sunday was another day and I got three more plants into the ground when I realized that I had about 12 inches of rock that I would need to dig out before I would even find dirt for my fourth shrub at the end of my home. I guess I found where the leftover rock went that my hubby used up. After and hour of digging and finding a new home for the rock, I hit dirt and realized the shrub was now so low in the retaining wall I would need to build it up versus dig a hole, so I was now on a mission to find some soil. God send, there it was in the hubby's side of the garage, a brand new bag. I dug a small hole for the shrub and then put the soil in. Done!

It is such a good feeling, don't know how, my legs hurt from crounching, there are muscles in my back side that hurt so much my son laughs at me when I am walking, and my back is so stiff I think I am permanently attached to a wood plank. But I know the first time I pull into my driveway and see my hardwork, it will be a great feeling. Now I only have two more plants to go, it is still a work in progress right now.

MAN OF THE HOUSE

How many times over the years have you looked at your children and wondered how they ever got so big? What a cliche? I find myself doing this so much more these days and there is definitely a reason for me to be.

My son Max is a god send, I have said it from day one that his purpose in life was to be my guardian angel here on earth. To give you some background, I was six months pregnant with him when John and I lost our first child, Chloe. Being pregnant with Max was a gift - I had to get sleep, I had to eat, I had to stay healthy - no time to knock on the door of depression. Max and I have a bond that is very hard to describe, but is felt very deeply.

Over the last month I have watched him transform from a typical 8 year old to a young man who just steps up to the plate and does what needs to get done. The things that have to be done in the house are not the most fun, but I have yet to hear a complaint from him.

With a younger brother diagnosed with Asperger's, who at a moment's notice (most of the time none at all) will go from being completely happy to screaming at the top of his lungs demanding the smallest of things and Max just stops what he is doing and answers his demands. My patience is tested everyday and it is like Max just knows that if one more scream is heard, it might just push me over the edge.

To stand back and watch as he takes charge and silently corrects the situation is both a heart swelling moment, but also a heart sinking one as well. I don't want my 8 year old to have to this strong boy that carries the burdens of what he believes he must. I want him to be the kid that is going to negotiate for things, challenge my discipline and be mischievious. I know deep in my heart he is doing what his Daddy told him to do and that was to take care of Mommy and he is making his Dad very proud.

He has definitely stepped into the big shoes left behind and is truly the Man of the House now!

GIRL NIGHT OUT

I thought it would be fun to rent a chick flick, I am without a husband ya know! I put the kids to bed and giggled as I grabbed a bottle of Chardonney, a glass, a bag of chocolate truffles, the movie and my cell phone. I was ready for a no thinking, just watching movie that I could get lost in and have no worries of the world around me.

So there I was, sipping my glass of wine, savoring chocolate, all the while my yorkie was laying in my lap - are you kidding me? What is going on?

The hilarity of sitting there as a female with all the cliches was almost depressing yet relaxing all at the same time. How many chick flicks will I be able to watch over the next year without having to beg John into watching them with me? Actually how many times has he ever complained about snuggling up with me to watch a romance movie or at least a romantic comedy? NEVER!

It hit me in the last 20 minutes of the movie that I would not be with John for a year - a year! It flooded over me so powerfully that I lost my breath and my vision blurred. What am I going to do? I am going to stand up straight, put on a smile and deal with every hand that is dealt. I have friends that surround me and family that stands behind me so that the road before me should be smooth with very few bumps.

The cliche of a chick flick is evident - the dream of perfection in life and romance - why do we, as females, crave this so much? Especially when the majority of the time - it is within our grasps and we don't even know it. The good thing, for me, I know it, I am the luckiest woman - I have a man that is caring, strong, loving, nuturing and funny - all the qualities you find in the leading man of every chick flick.

Here is to a girl night out!

TIME FLYS WHEN IT IS STOLEN

Can you believe it is July already? I walked into Target yesterday and I could not believe my eyes - PREP 4 LESS hung from the ceiling in the back of the store. As I got closer, there it was, summer is over - school supplies everywhere! When did we lose another month of summer? When I was in high school and working in retail Back to School started the first week of August, now it is July! Sure does make you take a step back and make sure you are spending every moment as you should.

The only good thing I can see about this whole thing is that it is keeping my mind busy and working a couple of months in advance. The time should fly if it keeps this up.

I flipped the calendar today and marked for the first time in 6 years the individual day count - we are at 18 days into a 365 day journey - break it down even further and we are 5% done! Not bad. The kids are keeping me busy and I am trying so hard to stay relaxed with them as they challenge me everyday.

I can't believe that in two months all three kids will be in school and the time is really going to fly and then I have been told that I will want to slow it down again. I just hope that amongst all this stress that I can still find the deep breath needed to enjoy my children and the memories we are making together. I just wish time wouldn't be stolen from me in the form of merchandising!

FATHER'S DAY

Father's Day - a day to celebrate fatherhood and the men in my life. I am so blessed to have a man who chose me to be his wife and mother to his children. A man who has the utmost respect from me as he prepares to head off to Afghanistan and fight for the freedoms we have and take for granted so often.

I met John almost 14 years ago and I still remember our first date, our first kiss, our first deep discussion and the first time I knew I had found the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, I just hoped he felt the same way.

It is now 11 years of marriage, 4 children and a second deployment later and it amazes me we are still together celebrating all that we have been blessed with. I never knew love could continue to grow as much as it has over the past 2 months as it has with John.

My children have so much of him in them from the smiles and smart remarks, to the bodily functions and mischief that keep me on my toes.

John, your kids talk about you all the time and wonder what you are up to. Know that you are the best father and we love you and miss you.

Happy Father's Day babe!

D-DAY

Wow, the last two weeks have been a blur. It all started with a week of firsts and ended with the inevitable - the departure.

I have been very blessed with a neighborhood of angels, my lawn is being taken care of and who knew what a great feeling it is to come home and see a newly cut lawn?!

Our family has had a week full of experience and memory making. John came home last week on Wednesday and since then we just hit the ground running. Thursday night was date night and we just did a spur of the moment, make a quick decision and do it. It started with dinner at Teresa's in Lakeville, a decision made while driving to what we thought would be a night of bowling. While sipping Margarita's we decided to head to the Lakeville theatre, no movie would be chosen until we walked in and saw what was starting within 5 - 10 minutes. THE HANGOVER, it was, walked in right as the previews were ending - it was perfect. The movie was amazing and I didn't stop laughing until we got back into the car.

Friday was a morning of golf with our closest friends, followed with lunch and ended with a impromptu invitation to a Bonfire at another friends home. This would turn out to be a blessing in disguise. On our way home - 12:30 AM to be exact, my car decided to take a turn for the worst and the alternator went out. We were able to barely make it back to our driveway on the battery alone, but we did and breathed a sigh of relief.

Saturday started very early - 6:30AM - a cousin works for Ford and I called in a favor after crossing every finger and toe I had. He was working and was able to get my car into the shop. That threw off the rest of the day which was planned to pack, grocery shop and clean in preparation for our trip out of town. That afternoon, our friends hosted a BBQ, one last hurrah for John before heading out. We hung out at the pool, laughed and ate great food. We called in a night pretty early and made sure we were packed for our trip the next morning.

We awoke at 4:30AM (no joke) and were on the road by 6:15AM. John had to report to duty by 1000 hours in Duluth at the DECC (Duluth Entertainment & Convention Center). We arrived at 9:30 and dropped him off. The kids and myself headed to our hotel to check in, unable to since we were too early. We went back to the DECC to hang out until the Deployment Ceremony at 3:30PM. Several family members made the trip to show their support of both John and myself, thank you! The ceremony was wonderful - Governor Pawlenty was there and gave this words of support along with several others. The night ended with pizza and swimming.

On Monday it was another day of a very busy military itinerary. John had to report at 0800 hours, by 1130 we were eating lunch as fast as possible and on a bus at 1245 heading to the second deployment ceremony in Chisholm. I will say, I thought it was being blown way out of proportion, but when you have the Patriot Guard escorting a line of 9 Coach buses down the highway, it gets noticed. When we arrived in Chisholm, the emergency vehicles joined the .procession and as you drove into town, your hair just stood up on your arms. Construction workers stopped what they were doing to move to the side of the road and wave. Cub Scouts/Boy Scouts saluting in a line, day care children waving flags, veterans in wheelchairs just nodding, workers coming out of their offices and lining the streets, all of this just became an overwhelming site. The ceremony was held at the high school and followed by a dinner at the Armory. We were back on the buses at 2030 and heading back to Duluth. The hotel was a wonderful site at 2200.

Tuesday was my birthday and right away I received a couple of text messages wishing me a wonderful day - thanks sis and cuz! John only had to drop off his duffle bags for weighing as well as his carry on, finalize paperwork and then he was free for the rest of the day. We took the kids out to the infamous Grandma's Saloon and Grill, the Great Lakes Aquarium, the huge castle park and then back to the hotel for arcade games and more waterpark. The hours went by fast and soon it was night and the clock became very bright as it counted down silently to John departure.

Morning came very quickly and it was a typical Karline morning. Pack up our stuff, dress three kids, corral them to the car, double check all corners of the hotel and breathe once all was on the road. Who knew the day would get longer and we would be blessed with a few extra hours. John's unit was broken into two groups for their trip to Indiana. The first group left at 7:00AM and John was not scheduled until 11:30AM - yes that is right - 5 1/2 hours after arriving at the armory. You try and keep three kids entertained in a cement building for that long, it was excrutiating. At 11:15, the emotions started to rise, the call to formation for last minute orders started to really make things seem real. All the soldiers and their families gathered outside as the bus arrived to take our loved ones away. Several red faces among the innocence of the children who do not grasp the intensity of this moment. It did not hit me until John's squad was told to get on the bus, the tears just started and I did not want to let go. He got on the bus and that was the last I saw of him. The bus pulled away at 11:55AM!

Just as fast as John was gone, I was pulled back into life as usual. Max and Colby wanted lunch, Sarah was starting to whine and I was just exhausted. We got into the car and began our 3 hour journey home.

John made it to Indy and is all set up in his home for the next 30+ days. I am going to depend on hearing his voice and making the connection as much as allowed. This is real now, he won't be home in 12 days - it will be 365 days before I see him again.

But overall, I survived Departure Day.

KINDERGARTEN CELEBRATION

Yesterday I went to Colby's Kindergarten Celebration, I had taken the day off of work and made sure I was at the school on time.

When I got to the school, I checked in at the front office along with a long line of other parents. I found my seat in Colby's classroom and as the kids entered my eyes found Colby right away. As his eyes wandered around the room trying to find me, it sent chills over me, he was getting so big, yet still my "baby boy". Knowing I was going to be there, he was eagerly looking for me and didn't stop till he found me and the grin he showed was so overwhelming I practically broke down right there.

The program consisted of three "silly" songs picked by the class, an alphabet story about all the things that had learned in Kindergarten (Colby was "Z"), presentation of his "diploma" and then it was parent participation. We spread out around the room and the kids taught us a couple of songs and dances that went along with them. I don't think I have ever done anything like this before with any of my kids, I had so much fun and laughed so hard that it was emotional for me. I teared up so quickly that afternoon.

When the program was over, Colby gave me his "baby eyes" and asked if I would take him home with me. How can any mother say no to beautiful blue eyes? We went home and just hung out. It was a wonderful Tuesday, no worries and just consumed by my child. Celebrating Colby and all of his accomplishments!

RESPECT

I went to Camp Ripley this weekend. It started off as a small request from John when he left on Memorial Day, but as the week went on, I got the feeling it was more than that. I pulled favors and maybe even used my small childlike voice with my parents to get an overnight babysitter and I was on my way Saturday morning.

John told me he would have a small window of opportunity to see me, but I didn't care, it meant one more moment than I had if I had stayed home.

As I drove North, my memories came flooding back about all the years we used to make this drive up to the cabin, yet how different this time was.

I branched off toward Brainerd and got off in Little Falls, a proud city I might add, as you get to the exit for Camp Ripley, you are greeted with a large military tank and sign. I drove down the road to the main entrance and I kept having flashbacks of all the weekends I would steal and go to Fort McCoy when he was deploying to Iraq.

After presenting military ID and entering the secured gate, it is amazing how different your view changes. All of sudden there was no sadness, no impending doom, just pride and respect for the soldiers I saw roaming around on duty in uniform at the base.

I checked into the "hotel" AKA barricks and let John know I had arrived. He called when he got to the hotel and I had to go down and meet him. There he stood in full combat uniform, from head to toe, gun over his shoulder, makes you gasp.

That day I met several from his platoon and visited where he has been staying - his home away from home - just think M.A.S.H. but not in a tent, in a cement building. One cot, a chest at the foot of the bed, all your hygeine products on a shelf at the head of the bed and remnants of picked through MRE's. That moment opened up my eyes to the life my husband has away from his family. The life I decided to have pity parties over. One guy commented to me that I should look at as a vacation, at least that is what he tells his wife to make it easier.

I have only been able to see this from my point of view and not the men and women in my husband's unit, this one moment in time, I had a full 360 degree view of their life. My heart was at a crossroads, it was breaking for their sacrifice yet swelling with pride and respect.

John and I spent time sitting and talking about what has been going on with his days as well as with mine and the kids. I then got to really experience the military first hand - yes it was dinnertime - and with John having a weapon, he was unable to leave the base. I said no problem, I will eat with you at the Chow Hall. I will confirm the movies have it dead on - you grab a tray, silverware, napkin and put your tray up on the ledge where two guys literally slop your dinner onto your tray as you rotate it. I sat down in a room full of soldiers and ate with my husband a meal that barely had a taste yet was a meal I would do over and over again.

John had to quickly get back to his duties so I headed back to my room for the night. He visited again at 10PM and was gone again by 11PM. We met for yet again another meal, very early in the morning and he was gone by 7, on a bus for a day of briefings.

As I drove home, I felt my marriage get one more level stronger and deeper after being allowed to walk with my husband and see his world, even if only a few steps.

THE HONEY DO LIST

I sat last night after the kids went to bed and tried to find something to do, something to keep my mind occupied as I became more and more aware of the silence. I decided to open my favorite bottle of wine and head out to our deck to savor the wine and enjoy our view, especially after days of strong winds.

This weekend has been rough, trying to stay occupied, trying to get things done and be the wife and mom, but the motivation is gone. The thought of having to do this all by yourself is exhausting. I have done laundry, taken out the garbage, swept the floors, taken care of the dogs, made meals, gone grocery shopping, the list goes on, only to know it will start all over again next week. It is amazing the things you take for granted, the things that go unnoticed and are never broken or need cleaning - burnt out lightbulbs (there are 6 in the house), dog poop in the kennel, sweeping and mopping the main level of the house - this list too, could go on, the only difference, this is the list I knew nothing about. The "honey do list" has come back to haunt me, to take the last of the energy I may have at the end of a day.

The masks will continue to be worn, I realized that this afternoon. Yesterday, my mom called out of the blue to see if I still needed to go grocery shopping. I hesitantly said yes and she offered to assist and come along. Thank goodness, I would have put it off for another week until John came home for his holiday visit and we would have been eating dust and water. I got to Wal-mart and went through the motions, just doing what had to get done. Not showing my own mother how tired and exhausted I was, keeping the kids in check whether they were with me or with her.

Then there was today, another lightbulb went out and it was time to just tackle the project. I took one look at a couple of the ceiling fans and realized I might need a man's perspective to find out how this might work so I don't break it. In comes Joe, a wonderful friend who took a few minutes out of his day to come over and help the damsel in distress. He came over and the smile came on my face and the laughter came out. Trying to explain that once I know how to do it, I won't need to ask for anymore help. Joe helped me figure out how to do the change and he was gone. Not once did I tell him that I did not want to know how to do this, i did not want this independence, but no, I just kept joking and laughing with him.

The "honey do list" will continue to show itself over the next year and I will have to tackle the items one at a time. I can't wait for my 'honey' to come home and take the list back from me.

HMMMM

Day two and I have nothing really to share, no funny stories, no deep thoughts, no opinions I would like to pass on. I am tired from fighting with Colby all night long. Impressed by Max's adult actions this evening by helping without even asking and just in love with Sarah's softness and girly girl attitude.

My children will be the thing that keeps me going, makes me remember I am alive because my mind and body will ache continuously and allow the days to blend together with all the activities that the days are consumed by.

Tomorrow will be my first day with the "girls" at Bunco, will I be bombarded with the 'how are you doing' or will they avoid talking about it. As many of my close friends know, I am not one who wears my emotions on my sleeve when with friends. I am not eloquent in my words and don't like to feel like everything is about me, so I am hoping I can just allow myself to be absorbed by my friends and openly accept the support.

Exhaustion is setting in and another day looms ahead. Sweet dreams!

DAY ONE

I woke with John this morning to see him off and make sure that he had everything. We went about our daily morning routine as if this was any other day, small talk, jokes, giggles, nothing out of the ordinary. Then came the moment he said good-bye, I walked him out to the car and in the darkness of 4:30AM, said good-bye and waved until I could no longer see his tail-lights.

As I walked back into the house, I took a deep breath and exhaled as I told myself that no matter what came my way, there was no way to change it and I would just need to handle the hand that is dealt to me every day and take it one step at a time.

I spent the wee hours of the morning, drinking or should I say savoring a cup of coffee, putting lunches together and arranging the new chore chart that the boys would be introduced to today.

As usual I woke the kids up at 6AM and started our morning routine. This day would be no different to them - evident by the meltdown that took place with Colby. All I could say was why today? Why would we jump out of the gate with this? Could we not just have a great first day, make me believe that this is going to be a walk in the park? Nope, not my kids! Reality all the way baby!

It is typical that 6:30AM is our departure time, by 6:45AM, I was irritable and just told the kids to take their school stuff out to the car and get buckled in. I then got the rest of my things together as I listened in the distance to blood curdling screams and yelling coming from my garage. I thought about running out and putting them in their place, but what the heck, I was pouring myself a third cup of coffee and there was nothing that was going to interrupt this. Not even Child Protective Services that could possibly be called by a neighbor as they listened to the constant bickering coming from my car.

By the time I got out of the house and turned to see my kids, the first thing I saw was a swollen red face of Sarah, my baby. The sad thing is, all I did was roll my eyes, not go running to her aid, but think, what now?

Did you ever wonder how a car door is attached to a child's mouth? Think about three of them at one time. As soon as my car door opened, all three of them started telling me all about how the other hurt them. As I slid into my seat and started the car, I took a deep breath and calmly, yeah right, asked them to be quiet. I looked through my rear view mirror and saw Sarah swollen and red, Max not daring to make eye contact with me and Colby sucking on all four of his fingers in the back seat. Annoyed then, laughing hysterically now, I just sunk deeper into my chair.

It took the entire trip to the daycare, thank goodness it is only about 1 mile away to find out what transpired in the back seat of Mommy's Five Hundred.

Max decided to be a true big brother and allow a loogey to slowly descend from his lips as close as possible to his sister and before he could quickly suck it back into his mouth, Sarah laid her hand on his forehead to push him away. He decided that it would be a great comeback to then slug her in the stomach as retaliation. Then Colby decided to make his presence known by licking his brother.

As I dropped the kids off at daycare, making sure Max was secure in time out, Colby knowing that licking is invading personal space and making sure Sarah was ok, I quietly slipped out of the building and headed to my office.

If the first 45 minutes of my day with my children is a preview of how the next year will transpire, it will be stressful as I am living it and by the time John is back I will have enough material to become a stand up comic.

I just keep telling myself, 'I love my children', 'I love my children', 'How much wine do I have?', 'I love my children'!

Nine is Fine

Today was a beautiful day, what more can you ask for. We asked the kids how they wanted to spend the day and their answer was 'stay at home and play'. So that is exactly what we did. We had eggs and toast for breakfast and the kids barely washed their face before they were out the door with their jackets flying behind them.

With our "park" in the backyard, it is easy to just head out the door and enter a whole new world. The entire day was just spent doing things around the house, playing on the playset, riding bikes, coloring, watching a movie and then Daddy took the kids to the "green park" and then to the "purple park".

After that it was dinner by request - WAFFLES - personal request of Colby. Then it was bathtime, pajamas, bedtime story X 2 and then hugs and kisses all around.

I think the fresh air is a natural sedative, there was no nighttime fight that is typical in the Karline household, just silence. Nine was definitely a fine day for us.

10 DAYS AND COUNTING

10, 9, 8, 7, . . . . Who knew it would come so quickly? After being so upset that I had to wait longer until his tour of duty started, now I just want it to slow down. I don't want the time to go so fast, I don't want the tour to start yet.

There are 10 days left until he starts the deployment, the first 30 days will be what they call Pre-Mobe training at Camp Ripley. On June 10, John will be home for a few days to relax and then we, as a family, are off to events and ceremonies in Duluth from June 14 - 17. On June 17, John will then transfer to Indiana where his true "tour" and one year countdown will begin.

One thing to point out - his orders state 'not to exceed 400 days' - so really it is longer than one year, I am setting my mind for his return in July and if he comes home sooner, I will be happy and excited.

We have almost everything ready, that is, except one small detail - his orders for May 12, yeah that's right, he has all his orders, for 06/02/09 - 06/13/09 and 06/14/09 - (up to 400 days later), but not the very first orders, talk about the cart before the horse. We have one more week to get that paperwork so we are able to get it to his employer.

Otherwise all the other details are in order except getting a passport - John and I have been discussing meeting up in Europe when he is on his pass and having a family portrait taken. As many of you know, I had a portrait taken the last time he was deployed. It was for my own sanity, sticking my tongue out at Murphy's Law. I thought if I had the picture taken nothing would happen, yet if I did not have the picture taken, something would happen, so it worked last time so why not try it again.

10 days left, what do you possibly cram into 10 days to feel like you have accomplished enough "time" together and memories to last a year. Just thinking about it this morning made me breakdown and cry under the rainfall of shower water. I don't want to miss an opportunity to create a memory that will fill an empty moment during the next year. I just keep reminding myself to breathe and that there is only so much given to you at one time, never exceeding your limits. 10 days and counting . . . . .

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT

I sure do have to get better at this blogging thing, finding the time to take 5 minutes should be a priority.

Over the weekend I was blessed to see firsthand the love and support of family and friends who have been a part of my life for both its entirety and for a very short period of time. The party we had to say good bye to John was a huge success and a ton of fun.

Thank you is not enough to say to all of you who came out to visit us, even if it was for a short time. I believe after the outpouring of support, John feels more comfortable leaving his family behind for the next year, knowing that there is a neighborhood of friends here to help when things get rough.

Thanks Mom for spreading yellow all over the front of my house and making sure the first round of food that was gobbled up was replaced before you were able to enjoy your friends and family who had come to support us.

A special thank you to my girlfriends, as you formed a circle around me and gave me a gift that would lift a huge weight off John's shoulders, I could feel the support. I now know that if there is ever a moment when I feel that nothing is going right and my children have decided to test every boundary that was ever set for them, there will be a girlfriend I can call to just vent or countdown with.

This past week has been pretty emotional for me, I am either holding grudges and in a pissy mood or I am weak and on the verge of tears. It is very hard for me to try and figure out why this time is so different from last time. I was thrown into it last time and just pulled up my "britches" and dealt with everything that was tossed my way. This time I have had over a year to think about this looming time and realized all I have done is worry about what had gone wrong last time and what am I going to do this time if it happens again.

I am trying to pull myself together and acknowledge the fact that I am surrounded by people who will not let me "fail" at this job I am being asked to do.

Thank you to everyone for the support and just being here.

TOUCH IS A GIFT

It has been a couple weeks since I have blogged and realized that time has been slipping away. We are under the two month mark til John leaves and it is all starting to come to a head. The emotions are running very deep and I am very sensitive.

John left today for a week of training and it was all I could do to let go and allow him to leave. I got up with him at 4AM and begged him not to go. I had laid awake listening to him get ready, taking a shower, brushing his teeth and then one by one putting his uniform on behind a closed door.

My mind was full of thoughts, thoughts of love and thoughts of regret. I hadn't had enough hugs, not enough kisses, we still hadn't cuddled enough, I still owed him more intimacy. This time he is only going to be gone for a week, I tell my kids it is just a warm up, yet my own mind can not get over the impending loss. The loss I remember so clearly the first time he was gone.

The simple gift of touch, even if it was a brushing of the hands as we passed in the kitchen, our hips touching on the couch or the kicks in the middle of the night to stop his snoring. It is never about the touch of intimacy, just the touch of skin, no matter how simple that is missed the most.

I try not to get caught up in the thoughts that seem to consume during times of silence in our home, but it is the hardest thing to do when you try and keep yourself busy and not listen to the thoughts.

How does one prepare for a year of no physical connection, only words and pictures. There was no time to prepare in 2003, he was gone in 72 hours. It is worse this time around, I still have the memories and remember the things that were difficult. The most important thing for me is to let John know that he is the one, the only one that consumes my heart and soul every moment of my day.

As the next seven weeks draw to a close, I hope to get as many moments together, shared looks, shared smiles, butterflies and tingles as I can. Tiny things taken for granted, not known until they are gone, the gift of touch.

A SIGH OF RELIEF

John traveled to Camp Ripley this past weekend to meet his new unit and start to train with them. I made him promise me that he would not come home unless he had his schedule in hand.

I got a call from him on Saturday night and he let me know that he had his dates. He would be training for a week in March. He would travel for one day in April to make sure all the paperwork was in order. Then came the BIG DAY! He would leave our home in May to begin training at Camp Ripley.

In June he would return home to drop off his car and then the family would pile into the car and travel back up north to spend a few days as a family taking in the sites and just being.

Mid June he will then transfer to Fort Lewis in Indiana where he says the official "ONE YEAR" countdown will begin. Sometime in July, he will then transfer to Afghanistan.

As I was writing these dates on the calendar, it was a weird feeling of calmness. It was a weird sense of excitement, yet nervousness. It sure is real now, there is no more changes, no more promotions, no more transfers. His service will begin in three months.

The kids and I talked about it the next day and we came up with several ideas of how to make it through the year and make it special. There will be jars of special candy for each of the kids to help them countdown the days until Daddy will be home. There will be a jar used as a reward when the kiddos help out around the house. Then by the end of the conversation, my guardian angel on earth, the kid that kept me sane after Chloe's death, came up with a "jar" for Mommy. Max said that it was only fair that I have one as well. He said that I could earn a piece of candy for every day that I did not yell! Kids say the darndest things, don't they. Then he added insult to injury by stating that he had the perfect candy for me - NERDS - could the kid have picked a smaller candy? I don't think there would be a jar big enough for the candy that is going to get me through the next 16 months.

It is such a relief to know that there is finally a date on the calendar and we can make it through and make decisions and finalize things. I even think that John is relieved to know that there is finally an end to this.

So a big sigh of relief in the Karline household this week.

INNOCENCE

Today has been a day of reflection. I found out yesterday that a friend of mine lost her daughter to a fight against DIPG, an ugly incurable brain cancer. Ellie was barely 5 years old when she was diagnosed last April.

The past couple of days have brought back a flood of emotions for me and the loss of my daughter Chloe. What words can I say to a mother who has just lost her child? 'I know what you are feeling'. 'There is a reason for everything'. 'She is no longer suffering'. All of these phrases are cliches and mean nothing to someone who birthed a child and now will have to bury. The pain that goes along with such a task is unexplainable, incomprehensable.

Why is a child taken so early in life, why are they chosen and not someone older? Why is there not more a parent can do or be given the tools to protect a child from harm?

These are only some of the questions that to this day haunt me, even eight years after I buried my daughter, yet they are still so real. I hate to welcome another member to this "club", we don't solicit yet members join everyday.

I know the road has since become a smooth ride for me again, but the journey to get where I am now was paved with so many obstacles and to know another Mom joins us is just heartbreaking.

What I have learned over the past 8 years is that there truly is a reason to everything that goes on in a person's life, whether good or bad. It may take years for its clarity, but when it shows itself, it is an amazing feeling, one of release and contentment.

A child teaches adults so much more than they are willing to admit. I don't deny it any longer, a child's strength and determination, even during the worst of times is heroic. The innocence that they possess is angelic and I only wish it could be bottled up.

My thoughts and prayers are with my friends this weekend as they put on smiles and bear the weight of true devastation. Ellie has earned her wings and sits with the other angels, who have rid themselves of their pain and can be free to be the souls they were meant to be.

Ring, Ring!

Hello, this is the US Military calling!

So the telephone finally rang on Thursday night. The call we had been waiting for, yet silently praying would not come. When I got home, John informed me that indeed he would be leaving for Iraq.

The call came with the following information:

Begin drilling with his new unit, the 114th out of Chisholm, Minnesota on February 21.
Continue to drill with them in March and April
Report to Camp Ripley for a month of training in May, date unknown - (John is crossing his fingers that for once they actually looked at the calendar and realized when Fishing Opener was and not ask for them to report that weekend! LOL)
Move onto Indiana after that month for additional training prior to leaving for Iraq.
Full orders and information will be sent in the mail the next week.

The first words out of my mouth were - "will this change again?" I have this fear that yet again we will begin this path and in just moments it will change and weave again. John's response was NO, this will not change, there are no more promotions, no more transfers and this unit is now complete and moving into mobilization status.

John went out last night to celebrate with a buddy from his old unit that will deploy tomorrow, he said he had a good time, but what a feeling that probably was for him. He was supposed to leave for Fort Lewis tomorrow with these guys that he has been with for 3 years. Now he will begin another journey with men and women he is just meeting, putting his trust and his life in their hands. There are so many questions and thoughts I would love to ask and share with John, but just don't know if it is anything he will ever share completely with me.

Over the next three months we will prepare again for his deployment, all of his army gear has been packed for two months, it just needs a new label with the new unit information. We will also make sure the garage is organized from a female's perspective, a "manual" will be put together with all the husband duties I will need to know about, an address book will be put together with everyone's contact info so I can have it at a fingers length and anything else I feel will allow me to be at ease with his departure.

After I think about all of those things, I then start to wonder what John needs to have done so he is at ease with his departure. We have been blessed with a wonderful family who purchased a digital camera, portable dvd player, and numerous movies. I have set up this blog so John has access to it and can read about our days and even he can add his thoughts as we move through this time in our lives. Just today, though, he mentioned he would love a Nintendo DS as well, it is just so funny to think about the things they are allowed to bring with them compared to previous wars - could you imagine what Grandpa Brendal would say?

Well, a new countdown has begun and we will take each day as it comes, enjoy our family and friends and when May comes around I will stand proudly next to John as he prepares to leave his family for his duty as a soldier. My heart still skips a beat every time he puts his uniform on, there is never anger, just love and admiration for the man I knew I was in love with the first time I saw him in his dress whites!

Counting Down

We are into our final days of waiting to see if John will be deployed with this new unit out of Chisholm, MN. We are supposedly finding out by this Friday, but this is just killing me. It is so frustrating to just sit and wait for the phone to ring.

John keeps telling me we will find out sometime during the week, but it is the military and they are not ones to put your emotions in front. We had a long talk this afternoon about the timing of this and I would rather have just had him leave with his old unit. Now it will be sometime between now and next year.

It was at that moment that I realized if he was still with his old unit his departure would be in just over a week. I am nowhere near being prepared for this deployment, even with over 8 months of knowing and getting mentally prepared. The good thing about all of this, the kids have not mentioned a thing about it since the day we told them.

Although the day involved talk of deployment, I spent the afternoon with Max, my oldest, hanging out and making a very special trip to meet some very special puppies. We went to meet 6, four week old, Yorkshire Terriers. They were the most adorable puppies you have ever seen. I have never been privileged enough to see a puppy at such a young age, but a relative of a co-worker has been breeding puppies since a very young age and invited me over to his home to meet the little bundles of fur. Max was surrounded by 4 little pups who crawled right into his lap and fell fast asleep. It was such a great day. After the meeting, Max and I, at his request, had lunch at White Castle.

It is after days like today, that you realize how much your children have grown. The manners Max had when entering a strangers home, made me just beam with pride. He was kind and gentle with the puppies and talked when spoken to, not just got shy and turn away.

When we got home, he went to find his brother and sister to see what they were up to and the house was quiet and peaceful.

The night ended with the kids eating dinner and sitting down to watch a movie and John and I, for the first time in a long time eating dinner alone with a conversation about life. It was a good day! Just six more to go to hopefully an answer!

Ticking Time Bomb

You know how I mentioned the ticking time bomb of a military family? The on again, off again routine, well here is what I was talking about. . . .

Two weeks ago, John confirmed that his temporary transfer back to his old unit would not be going through, so he would not be deployed to Iraq with them. John is on a back up list in case of injury or anything else that might cause a soldier to not be able to be deployed. His new unit is on the schedule to be deployed in November 2010, so we were put back on the sit and wait.

Guess what, John got a call on Friday verifying his eligibility to be deployed and that he would be put on the list with a unit out of Chisholm needing soldiers to complete their unit for deployment. We will be notified by February 6th as to whether or not they are being deployed and when.

This is where the frustration starts to set in and the mind struggle to not complain. I did willingly marry into this life knowing my husband is part of the military. The problem I am having is that you mentally prepare for this, start to discuss with the kids about Daddy leaving and then it is taken away. Then, put all back into your life a couple of weeks later.

My kids refer to war and Daddy leaving as "die", "bad", "guns", there is no good response that is given to me as a Mom and it is so hard to comfort their minds and change their interpretation to the good side of this. Maybe I don't even know the good side and that is why I am having such a hard time.

John is just as frustrated, do you just go and get it over with or hope that the pushing of paper delays any chance of being deployed. It is no less painful for him, he misses a full year of his family, the milestones, the heartache, the holidays, and everything else that can happen in 365 days.

To look at the good side of it, as of today, he is not going to Iraq and we have discontinued even preparing for it. We are planning Max's birthday in March, Easter and our Anniversary, just taking it day by day.

I will keep you posted as we know more on John's deployment. Stay safe!