It has been a couple weeks since I have blogged and realized that time has been slipping away. We are under the two month mark til John leaves and it is all starting to come to a head. The emotions are running very deep and I am very sensitive.
John left today for a week of training and it was all I could do to let go and allow him to leave. I got up with him at 4AM and begged him not to go. I had laid awake listening to him get ready, taking a shower, brushing his teeth and then one by one putting his uniform on behind a closed door.
My mind was full of thoughts, thoughts of love and thoughts of regret. I hadn't had enough hugs, not enough kisses, we still hadn't cuddled enough, I still owed him more intimacy. This time he is only going to be gone for a week, I tell my kids it is just a warm up, yet my own mind can not get over the impending loss. The loss I remember so clearly the first time he was gone.
The simple gift of touch, even if it was a brushing of the hands as we passed in the kitchen, our hips touching on the couch or the kicks in the middle of the night to stop his snoring. It is never about the touch of intimacy, just the touch of skin, no matter how simple that is missed the most.
I try not to get caught up in the thoughts that seem to consume during times of silence in our home, but it is the hardest thing to do when you try and keep yourself busy and not listen to the thoughts.
How does one prepare for a year of no physical connection, only words and pictures. There was no time to prepare in 2003, he was gone in 72 hours. It is worse this time around, I still have the memories and remember the things that were difficult. The most important thing for me is to let John know that he is the one, the only one that consumes my heart and soul every moment of my day.
As the next seven weeks draw to a close, I hope to get as many moments together, shared looks, shared smiles, butterflies and tingles as I can. Tiny things taken for granted, not known until they are gone, the gift of touch.
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