You can only for so long look back at the accomplishments before the road ahead looks harder than it really seems. We have reached 5 months this weekend since John’s deployment began. In front of everyone, I rejoice in the accomplishment of getting this far, but in private, I am devastated at the road ahead that still seems so long and lonely.
My days begin with a daily struggle with all of my children, get out of bed, get ready for school, pack your backpack, head to the bus, not one thing is done in a timely manner and I struggle with the need to scream yet try and stay calm so my day starts off on the right foot.
My days end with a nightly struggle with all of my children, unpack your backpack, work on homework, get ready for dinner, play quietly, get ready for bed, go to bed, stay in bed.
This has gone on for months and the frustration for one day to be perfect has been increasing and my stress has gone to a point where I don't know how much longer I might be able to endure this type of daily routine.
I strive for routine, it is needed in a home with an ADHD child and an Asperger's child, but my attempts are ignored and the energy level is sinking.
No matter what, in public, the smile is on my face and no one will ever know the truth behind it. The anger of disrespect, the sadness of loneliness and the exhaustion of the day in and day out.
How do you explain to someone that after 5 months, nothing has changed and the control of a life you thought you had is just a dream?
I fear for my husband's life every day, a feeling that can be so overwhelming that the intense emotions overcome you and you just don't know how to move or breathe.
I just want my life to have some sort of resemblence of what it once was. I want to be the mom I was before this adventure began. I want to know my children still love me even though my stress is sometimes taken out on them in a screaming match. I want to know that my job will be okay if I just need to take a day or two to come to grips.
The silence in the house is too much to bear, I need conversation past bunnies and Bakugon, I need touch, more than the peck on the cheek from a five year old and a hug in the passing of an eight year old who doesn't want his friends to see.
I need normalcy, something that won't be there for another eight months.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
A SIGN
I have been torn for many years about church and worship. I have never faltered in my belief in a supreme being, I just have not had the ambition to outwardly praise on a weekly basis.
My need to find church again has been fueled by my three children. All of whom have been baptized and the promise I made to make sure I at least give them the teachings and let them find and make their own path when it comes to their spiritual needs.
Over the past few years I have visited a few churches to try and find a connection with one where I might be able to start my journey over and begin my healing. Yesterday I received an "invitation" to a church in our neighborhood that meets at a school. The invite stated there would be a service and a dinner afterward. With the invite in my hand I told my kids we would be going to church in the morning, I was met with groans from all of them and I felt I needed to make it exciting to them, but realized I was doing it more for me.
This morning, I woke up early and got the kids breakfast and ready for the day. Service started at 10AM which was great for us, we headed out in time for me to grab a quick cup of coffee before heading over to the school. We were greeted at the door with smiles and many introduced themselves. I was handed a ticket that I would realize later was for a raffle during the dinner.
When I walked into the "sanctuary", I knew this would not be the service I grew up with, but was calmed as we got closer to the "pews". All of us sat down and the service began with music and lots of it. Upbeat with a band and so many really just enjoyed it and clapped, swayed and lifted their arms into the air. In the past, I used to giggle at congregations such as the one I was a part of this morning, but for whatever reason I felt comfortable. After 30 minutes of music and song, the children were asked to line up for Sunday School and were led out. All three of my kids, just headed with the rest without a glance over their shoulders as they had found friends from school.
For the next hour, I sat alone listening to the worship. This was not a typical service, it was something I had been looking for. A relationship from the Word to me, an analogy that I could understand. The sermon was not overpowering, but I could relate, something I hadn't been able to do at other visits to other churches.
At the end of the hour, the kids were back and we were heading to the dinner. Everyone was very friendly and offered to assist me as I tried to orchestrate 3 kids and myself through the line of food. After we had eaten, they had everyone get comfy as they started to draw tickets for prizes. Sarah had attained two more tickets from a friend's family who would not be staying, so we had three tickets that the kids hoped would bring us luck.
Tons of gift cards for gas, oil changes and groceries were given away, the most sought after was the unlimited ride wristbands to Nickelodeon Universe. Which do you think the kids were hoping for? Each time a number was read, their breaths would be inhaled and then let out with a sigh. At the last giveaway, the grand prize, the kids stated it wasn't fun because they weren't winning. My response to them was, this is not why we had come, not for gifts to take with us but for a new place to go and learn about God. It was at that moment I heard the number and realized it was the ticket being held by my son, the ticket I was handed when we walked in the door. We had won a stay at the Kalahari Resort at Wisconsin Dells, I was so surprised and my son made a the fastest beeline to the front of the room to grab the certificate.
After the thank yous for coming were said, the pastor came over to congratulate us and introduced himself. I thanked him for the gift and for a wonderful day that I was able to spend with my kids as well as just myself. I was given an hour to be able to reflect and make decisions about where I wanted to be.
On Wednesday night, my kids will be experiencing "Religion Class" like the rest of my girlfriend's children and on Sunday we will visit again. I think I have found the right fit for me and I can't wait to share it with John while we are relaxing at a Resort in a place we have talked about taking the kids to. Do you believe in signs?
My need to find church again has been fueled by my three children. All of whom have been baptized and the promise I made to make sure I at least give them the teachings and let them find and make their own path when it comes to their spiritual needs.
Over the past few years I have visited a few churches to try and find a connection with one where I might be able to start my journey over and begin my healing. Yesterday I received an "invitation" to a church in our neighborhood that meets at a school. The invite stated there would be a service and a dinner afterward. With the invite in my hand I told my kids we would be going to church in the morning, I was met with groans from all of them and I felt I needed to make it exciting to them, but realized I was doing it more for me.
This morning, I woke up early and got the kids breakfast and ready for the day. Service started at 10AM which was great for us, we headed out in time for me to grab a quick cup of coffee before heading over to the school. We were greeted at the door with smiles and many introduced themselves. I was handed a ticket that I would realize later was for a raffle during the dinner.
When I walked into the "sanctuary", I knew this would not be the service I grew up with, but was calmed as we got closer to the "pews". All of us sat down and the service began with music and lots of it. Upbeat with a band and so many really just enjoyed it and clapped, swayed and lifted their arms into the air. In the past, I used to giggle at congregations such as the one I was a part of this morning, but for whatever reason I felt comfortable. After 30 minutes of music and song, the children were asked to line up for Sunday School and were led out. All three of my kids, just headed with the rest without a glance over their shoulders as they had found friends from school.
For the next hour, I sat alone listening to the worship. This was not a typical service, it was something I had been looking for. A relationship from the Word to me, an analogy that I could understand. The sermon was not overpowering, but I could relate, something I hadn't been able to do at other visits to other churches.
At the end of the hour, the kids were back and we were heading to the dinner. Everyone was very friendly and offered to assist me as I tried to orchestrate 3 kids and myself through the line of food. After we had eaten, they had everyone get comfy as they started to draw tickets for prizes. Sarah had attained two more tickets from a friend's family who would not be staying, so we had three tickets that the kids hoped would bring us luck.
Tons of gift cards for gas, oil changes and groceries were given away, the most sought after was the unlimited ride wristbands to Nickelodeon Universe. Which do you think the kids were hoping for? Each time a number was read, their breaths would be inhaled and then let out with a sigh. At the last giveaway, the grand prize, the kids stated it wasn't fun because they weren't winning. My response to them was, this is not why we had come, not for gifts to take with us but for a new place to go and learn about God. It was at that moment I heard the number and realized it was the ticket being held by my son, the ticket I was handed when we walked in the door. We had won a stay at the Kalahari Resort at Wisconsin Dells, I was so surprised and my son made a the fastest beeline to the front of the room to grab the certificate.
After the thank yous for coming were said, the pastor came over to congratulate us and introduced himself. I thanked him for the gift and for a wonderful day that I was able to spend with my kids as well as just myself. I was given an hour to be able to reflect and make decisions about where I wanted to be.
On Wednesday night, my kids will be experiencing "Religion Class" like the rest of my girlfriend's children and on Sunday we will visit again. I think I have found the right fit for me and I can't wait to share it with John while we are relaxing at a Resort in a place we have talked about taking the kids to. Do you believe in signs?
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