I went to Camp Ripley this weekend. It started off as a small request from John when he left on Memorial Day, but as the week went on, I got the feeling it was more than that. I pulled favors and maybe even used my small childlike voice with my parents to get an overnight babysitter and I was on my way Saturday morning.
John told me he would have a small window of opportunity to see me, but I didn't care, it meant one more moment than I had if I had stayed home.
As I drove North, my memories came flooding back about all the years we used to make this drive up to the cabin, yet how different this time was.
I branched off toward Brainerd and got off in Little Falls, a proud city I might add, as you get to the exit for Camp Ripley, you are greeted with a large military tank and sign. I drove down the road to the main entrance and I kept having flashbacks of all the weekends I would steal and go to Fort McCoy when he was deploying to Iraq.
After presenting military ID and entering the secured gate, it is amazing how different your view changes. All of sudden there was no sadness, no impending doom, just pride and respect for the soldiers I saw roaming around on duty in uniform at the base.
I checked into the "hotel" AKA barricks and let John know I had arrived. He called when he got to the hotel and I had to go down and meet him. There he stood in full combat uniform, from head to toe, gun over his shoulder, makes you gasp.
That day I met several from his platoon and visited where he has been staying - his home away from home - just think M.A.S.H. but not in a tent, in a cement building. One cot, a chest at the foot of the bed, all your hygeine products on a shelf at the head of the bed and remnants of picked through MRE's. That moment opened up my eyes to the life my husband has away from his family. The life I decided to have pity parties over. One guy commented to me that I should look at as a vacation, at least that is what he tells his wife to make it easier.
I have only been able to see this from my point of view and not the men and women in my husband's unit, this one moment in time, I had a full 360 degree view of their life. My heart was at a crossroads, it was breaking for their sacrifice yet swelling with pride and respect.
John and I spent time sitting and talking about what has been going on with his days as well as with mine and the kids. I then got to really experience the military first hand - yes it was dinnertime - and with John having a weapon, he was unable to leave the base. I said no problem, I will eat with you at the Chow Hall. I will confirm the movies have it dead on - you grab a tray, silverware, napkin and put your tray up on the ledge where two guys literally slop your dinner onto your tray as you rotate it. I sat down in a room full of soldiers and ate with my husband a meal that barely had a taste yet was a meal I would do over and over again.
John had to quickly get back to his duties so I headed back to my room for the night. He visited again at 10PM and was gone again by 11PM. We met for yet again another meal, very early in the morning and he was gone by 7, on a bus for a day of briefings.
As I drove home, I felt my marriage get one more level stronger and deeper after being allowed to walk with my husband and see his world, even if only a few steps.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
THE HONEY DO LIST
I sat last night after the kids went to bed and tried to find something to do, something to keep my mind occupied as I became more and more aware of the silence. I decided to open my favorite bottle of wine and head out to our deck to savor the wine and enjoy our view, especially after days of strong winds.
This weekend has been rough, trying to stay occupied, trying to get things done and be the wife and mom, but the motivation is gone. The thought of having to do this all by yourself is exhausting. I have done laundry, taken out the garbage, swept the floors, taken care of the dogs, made meals, gone grocery shopping, the list goes on, only to know it will start all over again next week. It is amazing the things you take for granted, the things that go unnoticed and are never broken or need cleaning - burnt out lightbulbs (there are 6 in the house), dog poop in the kennel, sweeping and mopping the main level of the house - this list too, could go on, the only difference, this is the list I knew nothing about. The "honey do list" has come back to haunt me, to take the last of the energy I may have at the end of a day.
The masks will continue to be worn, I realized that this afternoon. Yesterday, my mom called out of the blue to see if I still needed to go grocery shopping. I hesitantly said yes and she offered to assist and come along. Thank goodness, I would have put it off for another week until John came home for his holiday visit and we would have been eating dust and water. I got to Wal-mart and went through the motions, just doing what had to get done. Not showing my own mother how tired and exhausted I was, keeping the kids in check whether they were with me or with her.
Then there was today, another lightbulb went out and it was time to just tackle the project. I took one look at a couple of the ceiling fans and realized I might need a man's perspective to find out how this might work so I don't break it. In comes Joe, a wonderful friend who took a few minutes out of his day to come over and help the damsel in distress. He came over and the smile came on my face and the laughter came out. Trying to explain that once I know how to do it, I won't need to ask for anymore help. Joe helped me figure out how to do the change and he was gone. Not once did I tell him that I did not want to know how to do this, i did not want this independence, but no, I just kept joking and laughing with him.
The "honey do list" will continue to show itself over the next year and I will have to tackle the items one at a time. I can't wait for my 'honey' to come home and take the list back from me.
This weekend has been rough, trying to stay occupied, trying to get things done and be the wife and mom, but the motivation is gone. The thought of having to do this all by yourself is exhausting. I have done laundry, taken out the garbage, swept the floors, taken care of the dogs, made meals, gone grocery shopping, the list goes on, only to know it will start all over again next week. It is amazing the things you take for granted, the things that go unnoticed and are never broken or need cleaning - burnt out lightbulbs (there are 6 in the house), dog poop in the kennel, sweeping and mopping the main level of the house - this list too, could go on, the only difference, this is the list I knew nothing about. The "honey do list" has come back to haunt me, to take the last of the energy I may have at the end of a day.
The masks will continue to be worn, I realized that this afternoon. Yesterday, my mom called out of the blue to see if I still needed to go grocery shopping. I hesitantly said yes and she offered to assist and come along. Thank goodness, I would have put it off for another week until John came home for his holiday visit and we would have been eating dust and water. I got to Wal-mart and went through the motions, just doing what had to get done. Not showing my own mother how tired and exhausted I was, keeping the kids in check whether they were with me or with her.
Then there was today, another lightbulb went out and it was time to just tackle the project. I took one look at a couple of the ceiling fans and realized I might need a man's perspective to find out how this might work so I don't break it. In comes Joe, a wonderful friend who took a few minutes out of his day to come over and help the damsel in distress. He came over and the smile came on my face and the laughter came out. Trying to explain that once I know how to do it, I won't need to ask for anymore help. Joe helped me figure out how to do the change and he was gone. Not once did I tell him that I did not want to know how to do this, i did not want this independence, but no, I just kept joking and laughing with him.
The "honey do list" will continue to show itself over the next year and I will have to tackle the items one at a time. I can't wait for my 'honey' to come home and take the list back from me.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
HMMMM
Day two and I have nothing really to share, no funny stories, no deep thoughts, no opinions I would like to pass on. I am tired from fighting with Colby all night long. Impressed by Max's adult actions this evening by helping without even asking and just in love with Sarah's softness and girly girl attitude.
My children will be the thing that keeps me going, makes me remember I am alive because my mind and body will ache continuously and allow the days to blend together with all the activities that the days are consumed by.
Tomorrow will be my first day with the "girls" at Bunco, will I be bombarded with the 'how are you doing' or will they avoid talking about it. As many of my close friends know, I am not one who wears my emotions on my sleeve when with friends. I am not eloquent in my words and don't like to feel like everything is about me, so I am hoping I can just allow myself to be absorbed by my friends and openly accept the support.
Exhaustion is setting in and another day looms ahead. Sweet dreams!
My children will be the thing that keeps me going, makes me remember I am alive because my mind and body will ache continuously and allow the days to blend together with all the activities that the days are consumed by.
Tomorrow will be my first day with the "girls" at Bunco, will I be bombarded with the 'how are you doing' or will they avoid talking about it. As many of my close friends know, I am not one who wears my emotions on my sleeve when with friends. I am not eloquent in my words and don't like to feel like everything is about me, so I am hoping I can just allow myself to be absorbed by my friends and openly accept the support.
Exhaustion is setting in and another day looms ahead. Sweet dreams!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
DAY ONE
I woke with John this morning to see him off and make sure that he had everything. We went about our daily morning routine as if this was any other day, small talk, jokes, giggles, nothing out of the ordinary. Then came the moment he said good-bye, I walked him out to the car and in the darkness of 4:30AM, said good-bye and waved until I could no longer see his tail-lights.
As I walked back into the house, I took a deep breath and exhaled as I told myself that no matter what came my way, there was no way to change it and I would just need to handle the hand that is dealt to me every day and take it one step at a time.
I spent the wee hours of the morning, drinking or should I say savoring a cup of coffee, putting lunches together and arranging the new chore chart that the boys would be introduced to today.
As usual I woke the kids up at 6AM and started our morning routine. This day would be no different to them - evident by the meltdown that took place with Colby. All I could say was why today? Why would we jump out of the gate with this? Could we not just have a great first day, make me believe that this is going to be a walk in the park? Nope, not my kids! Reality all the way baby!
It is typical that 6:30AM is our departure time, by 6:45AM, I was irritable and just told the kids to take their school stuff out to the car and get buckled in. I then got the rest of my things together as I listened in the distance to blood curdling screams and yelling coming from my garage. I thought about running out and putting them in their place, but what the heck, I was pouring myself a third cup of coffee and there was nothing that was going to interrupt this. Not even Child Protective Services that could possibly be called by a neighbor as they listened to the constant bickering coming from my car.
By the time I got out of the house and turned to see my kids, the first thing I saw was a swollen red face of Sarah, my baby. The sad thing is, all I did was roll my eyes, not go running to her aid, but think, what now?
Did you ever wonder how a car door is attached to a child's mouth? Think about three of them at one time. As soon as my car door opened, all three of them started telling me all about how the other hurt them. As I slid into my seat and started the car, I took a deep breath and calmly, yeah right, asked them to be quiet. I looked through my rear view mirror and saw Sarah swollen and red, Max not daring to make eye contact with me and Colby sucking on all four of his fingers in the back seat. Annoyed then, laughing hysterically now, I just sunk deeper into my chair.
It took the entire trip to the daycare, thank goodness it is only about 1 mile away to find out what transpired in the back seat of Mommy's Five Hundred.
Max decided to be a true big brother and allow a loogey to slowly descend from his lips as close as possible to his sister and before he could quickly suck it back into his mouth, Sarah laid her hand on his forehead to push him away. He decided that it would be a great comeback to then slug her in the stomach as retaliation. Then Colby decided to make his presence known by licking his brother.
As I dropped the kids off at daycare, making sure Max was secure in time out, Colby knowing that licking is invading personal space and making sure Sarah was ok, I quietly slipped out of the building and headed to my office.
If the first 45 minutes of my day with my children is a preview of how the next year will transpire, it will be stressful as I am living it and by the time John is back I will have enough material to become a stand up comic.
I just keep telling myself, 'I love my children', 'I love my children', 'How much wine do I have?', 'I love my children'!
As I walked back into the house, I took a deep breath and exhaled as I told myself that no matter what came my way, there was no way to change it and I would just need to handle the hand that is dealt to me every day and take it one step at a time.
I spent the wee hours of the morning, drinking or should I say savoring a cup of coffee, putting lunches together and arranging the new chore chart that the boys would be introduced to today.
As usual I woke the kids up at 6AM and started our morning routine. This day would be no different to them - evident by the meltdown that took place with Colby. All I could say was why today? Why would we jump out of the gate with this? Could we not just have a great first day, make me believe that this is going to be a walk in the park? Nope, not my kids! Reality all the way baby!
It is typical that 6:30AM is our departure time, by 6:45AM, I was irritable and just told the kids to take their school stuff out to the car and get buckled in. I then got the rest of my things together as I listened in the distance to blood curdling screams and yelling coming from my garage. I thought about running out and putting them in their place, but what the heck, I was pouring myself a third cup of coffee and there was nothing that was going to interrupt this. Not even Child Protective Services that could possibly be called by a neighbor as they listened to the constant bickering coming from my car.
By the time I got out of the house and turned to see my kids, the first thing I saw was a swollen red face of Sarah, my baby. The sad thing is, all I did was roll my eyes, not go running to her aid, but think, what now?
Did you ever wonder how a car door is attached to a child's mouth? Think about three of them at one time. As soon as my car door opened, all three of them started telling me all about how the other hurt them. As I slid into my seat and started the car, I took a deep breath and calmly, yeah right, asked them to be quiet. I looked through my rear view mirror and saw Sarah swollen and red, Max not daring to make eye contact with me and Colby sucking on all four of his fingers in the back seat. Annoyed then, laughing hysterically now, I just sunk deeper into my chair.
It took the entire trip to the daycare, thank goodness it is only about 1 mile away to find out what transpired in the back seat of Mommy's Five Hundred.
Max decided to be a true big brother and allow a loogey to slowly descend from his lips as close as possible to his sister and before he could quickly suck it back into his mouth, Sarah laid her hand on his forehead to push him away. He decided that it would be a great comeback to then slug her in the stomach as retaliation. Then Colby decided to make his presence known by licking his brother.
As I dropped the kids off at daycare, making sure Max was secure in time out, Colby knowing that licking is invading personal space and making sure Sarah was ok, I quietly slipped out of the building and headed to my office.
If the first 45 minutes of my day with my children is a preview of how the next year will transpire, it will be stressful as I am living it and by the time John is back I will have enough material to become a stand up comic.
I just keep telling myself, 'I love my children', 'I love my children', 'How much wine do I have?', 'I love my children'!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Nine is Fine
Today was a beautiful day, what more can you ask for. We asked the kids how they wanted to spend the day and their answer was 'stay at home and play'. So that is exactly what we did. We had eggs and toast for breakfast and the kids barely washed their face before they were out the door with their jackets flying behind them.
With our "park" in the backyard, it is easy to just head out the door and enter a whole new world. The entire day was just spent doing things around the house, playing on the playset, riding bikes, coloring, watching a movie and then Daddy took the kids to the "green park" and then to the "purple park".
After that it was dinner by request - WAFFLES - personal request of Colby. Then it was bathtime, pajamas, bedtime story X 2 and then hugs and kisses all around.
I think the fresh air is a natural sedative, there was no nighttime fight that is typical in the Karline household, just silence. Nine was definitely a fine day for us.
With our "park" in the backyard, it is easy to just head out the door and enter a whole new world. The entire day was just spent doing things around the house, playing on the playset, riding bikes, coloring, watching a movie and then Daddy took the kids to the "green park" and then to the "purple park".
After that it was dinner by request - WAFFLES - personal request of Colby. Then it was bathtime, pajamas, bedtime story X 2 and then hugs and kisses all around.
I think the fresh air is a natural sedative, there was no nighttime fight that is typical in the Karline household, just silence. Nine was definitely a fine day for us.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
10 DAYS AND COUNTING
10, 9, 8, 7, . . . . Who knew it would come so quickly? After being so upset that I had to wait longer until his tour of duty started, now I just want it to slow down. I don't want the time to go so fast, I don't want the tour to start yet.
There are 10 days left until he starts the deployment, the first 30 days will be what they call Pre-Mobe training at Camp Ripley. On June 10, John will be home for a few days to relax and then we, as a family, are off to events and ceremonies in Duluth from June 14 - 17. On June 17, John will then transfer to Indiana where his true "tour" and one year countdown will begin.
One thing to point out - his orders state 'not to exceed 400 days' - so really it is longer than one year, I am setting my mind for his return in July and if he comes home sooner, I will be happy and excited.
We have almost everything ready, that is, except one small detail - his orders for May 12, yeah that's right, he has all his orders, for 06/02/09 - 06/13/09 and 06/14/09 - (up to 400 days later), but not the very first orders, talk about the cart before the horse. We have one more week to get that paperwork so we are able to get it to his employer.
Otherwise all the other details are in order except getting a passport - John and I have been discussing meeting up in Europe when he is on his pass and having a family portrait taken. As many of you know, I had a portrait taken the last time he was deployed. It was for my own sanity, sticking my tongue out at Murphy's Law. I thought if I had the picture taken nothing would happen, yet if I did not have the picture taken, something would happen, so it worked last time so why not try it again.
10 days left, what do you possibly cram into 10 days to feel like you have accomplished enough "time" together and memories to last a year. Just thinking about it this morning made me breakdown and cry under the rainfall of shower water. I don't want to miss an opportunity to create a memory that will fill an empty moment during the next year. I just keep reminding myself to breathe and that there is only so much given to you at one time, never exceeding your limits. 10 days and counting . . . . .
There are 10 days left until he starts the deployment, the first 30 days will be what they call Pre-Mobe training at Camp Ripley. On June 10, John will be home for a few days to relax and then we, as a family, are off to events and ceremonies in Duluth from June 14 - 17. On June 17, John will then transfer to Indiana where his true "tour" and one year countdown will begin.
One thing to point out - his orders state 'not to exceed 400 days' - so really it is longer than one year, I am setting my mind for his return in July and if he comes home sooner, I will be happy and excited.
We have almost everything ready, that is, except one small detail - his orders for May 12, yeah that's right, he has all his orders, for 06/02/09 - 06/13/09 and 06/14/09 - (up to 400 days later), but not the very first orders, talk about the cart before the horse. We have one more week to get that paperwork so we are able to get it to his employer.
Otherwise all the other details are in order except getting a passport - John and I have been discussing meeting up in Europe when he is on his pass and having a family portrait taken. As many of you know, I had a portrait taken the last time he was deployed. It was for my own sanity, sticking my tongue out at Murphy's Law. I thought if I had the picture taken nothing would happen, yet if I did not have the picture taken, something would happen, so it worked last time so why not try it again.
10 days left, what do you possibly cram into 10 days to feel like you have accomplished enough "time" together and memories to last a year. Just thinking about it this morning made me breakdown and cry under the rainfall of shower water. I don't want to miss an opportunity to create a memory that will fill an empty moment during the next year. I just keep reminding myself to breathe and that there is only so much given to you at one time, never exceeding your limits. 10 days and counting . . . . .
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