This past week I have said "Thank You" to so many people. It all started last Friday with my area's potluck Holiday Party, it was decided to collect items for care packages to send to my hubby's squad. When I arrived in Burnsville, the amount of food, hygiene products and just fun items collected was overwhelming. I had no idea how I was going to get all of it home, let alone get it packed into boxes and sent overseas.
Over the weekend, I sorted the donations into groupings to get prepared for the PTO meeting I had on Tuesday where the women said they would assist me in putting the care packages together. Well Mother Nature had different plans for me and all evening events were cancelled and so it was left up to me to make a couple of calls and see if I could round up a few to help me. Alyssa and Monica arrived just as I thought there was going to be no one. We sat for three hours and packed up 35 care packages, 10 of which would be sent right away in time for the holidays. Each of those 10 packages were packed with specific items each soldier requested, along with some holiday surprises, a pine cone smelling of cinnamon and a tag stating the package was from SANTA! The other 25 packages will be spread out over the next couple of months.
After the first snow of the season overnight, I was again warmed by the showing of friendship when two gentlemen neighbors assisted me by shoveling my driveway so I would be able to get my car out of the drive and more importantly back up the driveway when I came back home.
Did I mention over the course of those 12 hours, my furnace went out and I went to bed with a home at 52 degrees and awoke to a home at 47 degrees. THANK YOU to the Centerpoint Energy man who came to my home at 8:05AM and had the furnace kickin' heat by 8:45AM. It is amazing how fast you come to appreciate how Laura Ingalls lived, there is no way I would have survived the first day!
Later on Wednesday evening, it was the 10th Annual Wear More Than You Can Eat Crab Dinner in honor of the friends who have been the foundation of John and my life. These are the friends who have been a part of our lives through all of the ups and downs, encouraged and celebrated with us over the past 12+ years. This year was more difficult since John was not able to spend it with us, but just having my friends surround me as they always have was amazing.
Thank you is not a strong enough word to say to all of those who have reached out to give just a wee bit more of themselves during the past six months I have traveled this little thing we call life. I have made it to the halfway point of our family's journey and while there are days where it seems easier to just throw in the towel, it is days like the ones I had this week that allow me to know I am not alone and I can keep taking steps down the road.
To all of you - THANK YOU
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
NORMALCY
You can only for so long look back at the accomplishments before the road ahead looks harder than it really seems. We have reached 5 months this weekend since John’s deployment began. In front of everyone, I rejoice in the accomplishment of getting this far, but in private, I am devastated at the road ahead that still seems so long and lonely.
My days begin with a daily struggle with all of my children, get out of bed, get ready for school, pack your backpack, head to the bus, not one thing is done in a timely manner and I struggle with the need to scream yet try and stay calm so my day starts off on the right foot.
My days end with a nightly struggle with all of my children, unpack your backpack, work on homework, get ready for dinner, play quietly, get ready for bed, go to bed, stay in bed.
This has gone on for months and the frustration for one day to be perfect has been increasing and my stress has gone to a point where I don't know how much longer I might be able to endure this type of daily routine.
I strive for routine, it is needed in a home with an ADHD child and an Asperger's child, but my attempts are ignored and the energy level is sinking.
No matter what, in public, the smile is on my face and no one will ever know the truth behind it. The anger of disrespect, the sadness of loneliness and the exhaustion of the day in and day out.
How do you explain to someone that after 5 months, nothing has changed and the control of a life you thought you had is just a dream?
I fear for my husband's life every day, a feeling that can be so overwhelming that the intense emotions overcome you and you just don't know how to move or breathe.
I just want my life to have some sort of resemblence of what it once was. I want to be the mom I was before this adventure began. I want to know my children still love me even though my stress is sometimes taken out on them in a screaming match. I want to know that my job will be okay if I just need to take a day or two to come to grips.
The silence in the house is too much to bear, I need conversation past bunnies and Bakugon, I need touch, more than the peck on the cheek from a five year old and a hug in the passing of an eight year old who doesn't want his friends to see.
I need normalcy, something that won't be there for another eight months.
My days begin with a daily struggle with all of my children, get out of bed, get ready for school, pack your backpack, head to the bus, not one thing is done in a timely manner and I struggle with the need to scream yet try and stay calm so my day starts off on the right foot.
My days end with a nightly struggle with all of my children, unpack your backpack, work on homework, get ready for dinner, play quietly, get ready for bed, go to bed, stay in bed.
This has gone on for months and the frustration for one day to be perfect has been increasing and my stress has gone to a point where I don't know how much longer I might be able to endure this type of daily routine.
I strive for routine, it is needed in a home with an ADHD child and an Asperger's child, but my attempts are ignored and the energy level is sinking.
No matter what, in public, the smile is on my face and no one will ever know the truth behind it. The anger of disrespect, the sadness of loneliness and the exhaustion of the day in and day out.
How do you explain to someone that after 5 months, nothing has changed and the control of a life you thought you had is just a dream?
I fear for my husband's life every day, a feeling that can be so overwhelming that the intense emotions overcome you and you just don't know how to move or breathe.
I just want my life to have some sort of resemblence of what it once was. I want to be the mom I was before this adventure began. I want to know my children still love me even though my stress is sometimes taken out on them in a screaming match. I want to know that my job will be okay if I just need to take a day or two to come to grips.
The silence in the house is too much to bear, I need conversation past bunnies and Bakugon, I need touch, more than the peck on the cheek from a five year old and a hug in the passing of an eight year old who doesn't want his friends to see.
I need normalcy, something that won't be there for another eight months.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
A SIGN
I have been torn for many years about church and worship. I have never faltered in my belief in a supreme being, I just have not had the ambition to outwardly praise on a weekly basis.
My need to find church again has been fueled by my three children. All of whom have been baptized and the promise I made to make sure I at least give them the teachings and let them find and make their own path when it comes to their spiritual needs.
Over the past few years I have visited a few churches to try and find a connection with one where I might be able to start my journey over and begin my healing. Yesterday I received an "invitation" to a church in our neighborhood that meets at a school. The invite stated there would be a service and a dinner afterward. With the invite in my hand I told my kids we would be going to church in the morning, I was met with groans from all of them and I felt I needed to make it exciting to them, but realized I was doing it more for me.
This morning, I woke up early and got the kids breakfast and ready for the day. Service started at 10AM which was great for us, we headed out in time for me to grab a quick cup of coffee before heading over to the school. We were greeted at the door with smiles and many introduced themselves. I was handed a ticket that I would realize later was for a raffle during the dinner.
When I walked into the "sanctuary", I knew this would not be the service I grew up with, but was calmed as we got closer to the "pews". All of us sat down and the service began with music and lots of it. Upbeat with a band and so many really just enjoyed it and clapped, swayed and lifted their arms into the air. In the past, I used to giggle at congregations such as the one I was a part of this morning, but for whatever reason I felt comfortable. After 30 minutes of music and song, the children were asked to line up for Sunday School and were led out. All three of my kids, just headed with the rest without a glance over their shoulders as they had found friends from school.
For the next hour, I sat alone listening to the worship. This was not a typical service, it was something I had been looking for. A relationship from the Word to me, an analogy that I could understand. The sermon was not overpowering, but I could relate, something I hadn't been able to do at other visits to other churches.
At the end of the hour, the kids were back and we were heading to the dinner. Everyone was very friendly and offered to assist me as I tried to orchestrate 3 kids and myself through the line of food. After we had eaten, they had everyone get comfy as they started to draw tickets for prizes. Sarah had attained two more tickets from a friend's family who would not be staying, so we had three tickets that the kids hoped would bring us luck.
Tons of gift cards for gas, oil changes and groceries were given away, the most sought after was the unlimited ride wristbands to Nickelodeon Universe. Which do you think the kids were hoping for? Each time a number was read, their breaths would be inhaled and then let out with a sigh. At the last giveaway, the grand prize, the kids stated it wasn't fun because they weren't winning. My response to them was, this is not why we had come, not for gifts to take with us but for a new place to go and learn about God. It was at that moment I heard the number and realized it was the ticket being held by my son, the ticket I was handed when we walked in the door. We had won a stay at the Kalahari Resort at Wisconsin Dells, I was so surprised and my son made a the fastest beeline to the front of the room to grab the certificate.
After the thank yous for coming were said, the pastor came over to congratulate us and introduced himself. I thanked him for the gift and for a wonderful day that I was able to spend with my kids as well as just myself. I was given an hour to be able to reflect and make decisions about where I wanted to be.
On Wednesday night, my kids will be experiencing "Religion Class" like the rest of my girlfriend's children and on Sunday we will visit again. I think I have found the right fit for me and I can't wait to share it with John while we are relaxing at a Resort in a place we have talked about taking the kids to. Do you believe in signs?
My need to find church again has been fueled by my three children. All of whom have been baptized and the promise I made to make sure I at least give them the teachings and let them find and make their own path when it comes to their spiritual needs.
Over the past few years I have visited a few churches to try and find a connection with one where I might be able to start my journey over and begin my healing. Yesterday I received an "invitation" to a church in our neighborhood that meets at a school. The invite stated there would be a service and a dinner afterward. With the invite in my hand I told my kids we would be going to church in the morning, I was met with groans from all of them and I felt I needed to make it exciting to them, but realized I was doing it more for me.
This morning, I woke up early and got the kids breakfast and ready for the day. Service started at 10AM which was great for us, we headed out in time for me to grab a quick cup of coffee before heading over to the school. We were greeted at the door with smiles and many introduced themselves. I was handed a ticket that I would realize later was for a raffle during the dinner.
When I walked into the "sanctuary", I knew this would not be the service I grew up with, but was calmed as we got closer to the "pews". All of us sat down and the service began with music and lots of it. Upbeat with a band and so many really just enjoyed it and clapped, swayed and lifted their arms into the air. In the past, I used to giggle at congregations such as the one I was a part of this morning, but for whatever reason I felt comfortable. After 30 minutes of music and song, the children were asked to line up for Sunday School and were led out. All three of my kids, just headed with the rest without a glance over their shoulders as they had found friends from school.
For the next hour, I sat alone listening to the worship. This was not a typical service, it was something I had been looking for. A relationship from the Word to me, an analogy that I could understand. The sermon was not overpowering, but I could relate, something I hadn't been able to do at other visits to other churches.
At the end of the hour, the kids were back and we were heading to the dinner. Everyone was very friendly and offered to assist me as I tried to orchestrate 3 kids and myself through the line of food. After we had eaten, they had everyone get comfy as they started to draw tickets for prizes. Sarah had attained two more tickets from a friend's family who would not be staying, so we had three tickets that the kids hoped would bring us luck.
Tons of gift cards for gas, oil changes and groceries were given away, the most sought after was the unlimited ride wristbands to Nickelodeon Universe. Which do you think the kids were hoping for? Each time a number was read, their breaths would be inhaled and then let out with a sigh. At the last giveaway, the grand prize, the kids stated it wasn't fun because they weren't winning. My response to them was, this is not why we had come, not for gifts to take with us but for a new place to go and learn about God. It was at that moment I heard the number and realized it was the ticket being held by my son, the ticket I was handed when we walked in the door. We had won a stay at the Kalahari Resort at Wisconsin Dells, I was so surprised and my son made a the fastest beeline to the front of the room to grab the certificate.
After the thank yous for coming were said, the pastor came over to congratulate us and introduced himself. I thanked him for the gift and for a wonderful day that I was able to spend with my kids as well as just myself. I was given an hour to be able to reflect and make decisions about where I wanted to be.
On Wednesday night, my kids will be experiencing "Religion Class" like the rest of my girlfriend's children and on Sunday we will visit again. I think I have found the right fit for me and I can't wait to share it with John while we are relaxing at a Resort in a place we have talked about taking the kids to. Do you believe in signs?
Sunday, October 18, 2009
AT PEACE
Tonight, I sit sipping on a cup of tea before going to bed and realize for the first time, in quite some time, I feel completely at peace. I think I am finally in a groove with the way life is supposed to be for now.
It has not come without bumps and bruises, but I think i have figured out the routine of what life has dealt me and I am getting it. Yeah, I have had to pull out the "female" card out of my back pocket and ask for help to figure out how to take the ceiling fan apart to get to the light bulb, to figure out how to winterize the house, to fix the furnace I think might have an issue heading into the winter months, but overall, I am maintaining our home.
I have survived the last two weeks with the rotation of three sick kids, juggling my job, after school activities, military extras and me time with very little stress and came out the other side unscathed.
This is a huge accomplishment, and for that, I am at peace.
It has not come without bumps and bruises, but I think i have figured out the routine of what life has dealt me and I am getting it. Yeah, I have had to pull out the "female" card out of my back pocket and ask for help to figure out how to take the ceiling fan apart to get to the light bulb, to figure out how to winterize the house, to fix the furnace I think might have an issue heading into the winter months, but overall, I am maintaining our home.
I have survived the last two weeks with the rotation of three sick kids, juggling my job, after school activities, military extras and me time with very little stress and came out the other side unscathed.
This is a huge accomplishment, and for that, I am at peace.
Monday, October 12, 2009
SIGH OF RELIEF
Today is a sad day, though I breathe a sigh of relief. The 114th Transportation Company family lost a member over the weekend and with a heavy heart, I am grateful for my husbands safety. As I talked to him last week speak to me about the incident and to find out how close he was to it, my heart sank. It is times like this that make the true reality of this whole deployment come alive, the uncertainty, the unknown, and most of all the danger.
Every day my life goes on back here at home, life continues, school days move forward, the office looms ahead, sickness happens, and get togethers are abundant. For my husband, his life is in like a time continuum, his life is happening every day but it is separate from his family, he is in his own world only able to connect to his "real" life through a telephone line.
It is moments like today where respect is deepened for the men and women who risk their lives every day to allow me the freedom to write the words I am right now. My husband is among those fighting and putting his life on the line for someone who will never know his name, never know his life beyond the uniform, yet he does it for no recognition, he just does the job he believes in.
Tonight, as I send my thoughts and prayers to the family of the fallen hero of the 114th Transportation Co, I breathe a sigh of relief for the voice I heard at the other end of the phone this morning, for I was allowed one more day to say all the things I wanted to.
Every day my life goes on back here at home, life continues, school days move forward, the office looms ahead, sickness happens, and get togethers are abundant. For my husband, his life is in like a time continuum, his life is happening every day but it is separate from his family, he is in his own world only able to connect to his "real" life through a telephone line.
It is moments like today where respect is deepened for the men and women who risk their lives every day to allow me the freedom to write the words I am right now. My husband is among those fighting and putting his life on the line for someone who will never know his name, never know his life beyond the uniform, yet he does it for no recognition, he just does the job he believes in.
Tonight, as I send my thoughts and prayers to the family of the fallen hero of the 114th Transportation Co, I breathe a sigh of relief for the voice I heard at the other end of the phone this morning, for I was allowed one more day to say all the things I wanted to.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
BEING TWO PARENTS AT ONCE
For the first time, I actually felt like I was finally playing both roles of parent today. It all began with leaving the kids with Nana while I went to see John through a teleconference in St. Paul. It was so great to be able to just see him, make sure he was okay, the things a voice can't tell you but the eyes can see. On my way home, I made a last minute (and boy do I mean last minute) RSVP to a birthday party for Colby.
Once home, Nana went her way and I packed the kids into the car to head to the store to purchase a birthday gift, but as you know, once you are in the store there are so many other things you can purchase and an hour later, we were back in the car on our way home. Did I mention on our way to Shakopee we watched as the cars piled up bumper to bumper going South on 169 due to the Renaissance Festival and the line went about 4 + miles. So of course, we had to avoid that way going home.
On our way, we stopped for lunch, got home, sat for only about 30 minutes, all the while getting ready for the birthday party. Finishing up laundry so Colby had a swimsuit to wear, wrap the gift, write on the card, pack the backpack and we were on our way.
Five minutes later we were back at the house and ready for round three. Max had soccer practice this afternoon, so as he watched the minutes tick by, asking several times when he could get ready, I collected my thoughts. In no time, it was back into the car and heading to the middle school fields for the practice.
An hour later we were back home, I swear at this point my neighbors had to have had their thoughts just flying as they watched me back out of my driveway every hour on the hour! I can only imagine! Now it was dinnertime, raced the clock making dinner so it was done by the time I had to go and get Colby from the birthday party. With 5 minutes to spare, I was, yet again back in the car to head about a mile to get Colby. And, 15 minutes was back at home!
Today would have been a great day to have a clone of myself, our house entrance had turned into a revolving door, I forgot if I had pulled into the garage or kept the car in the driveway, the engine never really cooled down, my neighbors must think I have lost my brain, but at the end of the day - all activities were attended with no hiccups and no tantrums. All is well at the Karline Household.
Being two parents at once is tough, but it is days like this that help you know it is possible and the days ahead will get easier!
Once home, Nana went her way and I packed the kids into the car to head to the store to purchase a birthday gift, but as you know, once you are in the store there are so many other things you can purchase and an hour later, we were back in the car on our way home. Did I mention on our way to Shakopee we watched as the cars piled up bumper to bumper going South on 169 due to the Renaissance Festival and the line went about 4 + miles. So of course, we had to avoid that way going home.
On our way, we stopped for lunch, got home, sat for only about 30 minutes, all the while getting ready for the birthday party. Finishing up laundry so Colby had a swimsuit to wear, wrap the gift, write on the card, pack the backpack and we were on our way.
Five minutes later we were back at the house and ready for round three. Max had soccer practice this afternoon, so as he watched the minutes tick by, asking several times when he could get ready, I collected my thoughts. In no time, it was back into the car and heading to the middle school fields for the practice.
An hour later we were back home, I swear at this point my neighbors had to have had their thoughts just flying as they watched me back out of my driveway every hour on the hour! I can only imagine! Now it was dinnertime, raced the clock making dinner so it was done by the time I had to go and get Colby from the birthday party. With 5 minutes to spare, I was, yet again back in the car to head about a mile to get Colby. And, 15 minutes was back at home!
Today would have been a great day to have a clone of myself, our house entrance had turned into a revolving door, I forgot if I had pulled into the garage or kept the car in the driveway, the engine never really cooled down, my neighbors must think I have lost my brain, but at the end of the day - all activities were attended with no hiccups and no tantrums. All is well at the Karline Household.
Being two parents at once is tough, but it is days like this that help you know it is possible and the days ahead will get easier!
Friday, September 18, 2009
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
Today is my hubby's birthday and I am not with him, he is halfway around the world protecting me and our children in the war against terrorism. This is not the first time he has sacrificed time away from his family and made his country his priority. It is a respect that is beyond any other that I have for this man. He is my hero!
I met him when I was 18 and we are now 14 years later and I have practically been with him half my life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
He keeps me grounded, when I am high strung, he is my relaxation. When I am frustrated, he is my humor. When I am stressed, he is my calm. When I am sad, he is my rock. When I am happy, he shares in my joy.
For the past few months I have not been with him on a daily basis and I have had many moments to reflect on our relationship. The times when we just know what the other is thinking, the times we pillow talk and whisper into the wee hours of the night, the looks from across the room and most of all, the unique way we hold each others hand.
I am so lucky to have found the one meant for me so early in my life and get to spend so much time with him.
From halfway around the world, Happy Birthday Honey. I love you, be safe and I will see you soon! TWICE!
I met him when I was 18 and we are now 14 years later and I have practically been with him half my life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
He keeps me grounded, when I am high strung, he is my relaxation. When I am frustrated, he is my humor. When I am stressed, he is my calm. When I am sad, he is my rock. When I am happy, he shares in my joy.
For the past few months I have not been with him on a daily basis and I have had many moments to reflect on our relationship. The times when we just know what the other is thinking, the times we pillow talk and whisper into the wee hours of the night, the looks from across the room and most of all, the unique way we hold each others hand.
I am so lucky to have found the one meant for me so early in my life and get to spend so much time with him.
From halfway around the world, Happy Birthday Honey. I love you, be safe and I will see you soon! TWICE!
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